Three revelations
Today on Choosing Peace you’ll read about a red ball, showers and a very special Saturday.
After Brandon read the last post about The Turnaround during our Staycation, he felt that the story wasn’t over. There was more to be said.
He was right.
Transformed through hardships
This post seems akin to one I wrote in the Grieving series. After writing the 8-part Grieving Divorce post, I wrote The Post-Trauma Transformation about my salvation and much more. I commend two of those four posts to you today, Peaceful Reader.
Victory and the four truths
Walk slowly through part 3 of The Post-Trauma Transformation, subtitled The Doors. You’ll explore how we’re transformed through our hardships—becoming a conqueror, how to go deeper spiritually, plus The Big Four—spiritual truths I learned as I did the work of grieving. Toward the end of that post, I wrote, “God had so many gifts and blessings to give to me. I just needed to open my hands and say yes.”
Where did I file that post in the index? I put it in The Healing Journey, describing it as Victory; the four truths.
Deep character and new beginnings
In part 4 of that post, subtitled Forged by Fire, you’ll dig into the deep character produced by suffering and how to identify and focus on the new beginnings God creates out of our losses and traumas.
From part 4 of The Post-Trauma Transformation:
As we experience the refining of our character, we understand the why of our sufferings. In a seemingly strange way, we come to understand why they’re actually good for us. We dig deeper. We cling tighter to the Lord. We see truth more clearly. The depth, the closeness and the clarity expand our faith, our hope and our peace.
Depth → faith.
Closeness → hope.
Clarity → peace.
We walk in quiet confidence—not because of ourselves, but because of our Lord who loves us and refines us.
Those beautiful spiritual realities ring true to me again as I reflect on recent days.
The final two
God has done amazing things for Brandon and me in our marriage. In part 1 of the last post, I explored the sabotage of Special Days—a painful, long-term reality in my life. In part 4, I walked through the first seven days of our Staycation the week before Thanksgiving, when God did a major healing work in and for us. But there was more. What did God do the last two days?
The Lord revealed deep truths about us. I said what needed to be said—with peaceful confidence—without fear. And we both apologized and forgave each other.
Saturday
On the Saturday before Thanksgiving, I wrote a lot and published the post about our Staycation, dedicated to our sweet dog Pierre. Our quiet time on the couch and rest time in bed were good and peaceful. Brandon cut up some fruit to go with the sandwiches I made us for lunch. I journaled: “I really appreciate his help this week. I hope it continues.” Most importantly, we had some transformative talks—about his need to lose lots of weight, what is and isn’t a conversation, and why I need quiet time together. And each of those important conversations came about organically, as they say. Unscripted. Unplanned.
Three revelations
Conversations and silence
While we were eating lunch, Brandon used the word conversation to describe our communication. I replied that we’ve had very few conversations in our marriage. You should’ve seen his face. He was stunned. I said, “When one person’s doing most of the talking, it’s not a conversation.” Later, I read him the section below from this important post—the post about how we adapt to the families where we grew up.
A quote to remember
This quote from William Temple (1881–1944), Archbishop of Canterbury, pinpoints the power of the family:
“The most influential of all educational factors is the conversation in a child’s home.”
William Temple
Conversation
To me, the key word in that quote is conversation. We didn’t have conversations in the place where I grew up. Ditto for my husband Brandon.
Things that are not a conversation
A monologue is not a conversation. A rehearsed script is not a conversation. Showboating is not a conversation. Looking at The Speech-Giver and saying “uh-huh” is not a conversation. Freaking out and fabricating chaos for attention is not a conversation. Sitting, listening and bobbing your head up and down is not a conversation. Performing for your audience is not a conversation. Being asked one question and giving a short answer during a 15-plus-minute “conversation” is not a conversation. Complaining to elicit pity is not a conversation. (Pssst. Complaining is a manipulative tactic employed routinely by sociopaths, narcissists and other dangerous people….)
Quiet time
In a similar way, I described for Brandon why quiet time on the couch is so important to me. When both people are silent and peaceful, no one is more important than anyone else. Both people are on an even playing field. Both people matter.
People and furniture
Based on the people in the house where I grew up, being treated like I didn’t matter was one of many serious problems. The house was filled with monologues and other attention-seeking behaviors from not one, but two narcissists. In the Grieving series, I called myself Nameless Silent Movie Character Actor. The narcissists were the narrators and the stars—The Important People. I was a piece of furniture.
I didn’t learn conversation skills while I was growing up because none of the people in the house knew how to have a conversation—meaningful, honest, respectful—with effective problem-solving when necessary. I had to learn about conversations and the virtues of life after I left.
Tossing the ball
Years ago, my friend Meagan described a valuable concept to me. A conversation is like playing a game of catch. If someone holds the ball too long, the two people aren’t playing catch anymore. Likewise, when two people are supposedly having a conversation and one of them talks way too long, the alleged conversation reveals itself to actually be a monologue, an attack, a whine-fest, attempted control, a lecture, a brag-fest—I mean a showboating exhibition, etc.
When Logan was much younger, I took him on monthly dates to teach him how to be a good date in the future. We worked on door-opening, ordering from a menu, figuring out the right amount to tip the server, and most of all—conversation skills. During those sweet dates, I taught him about Tossing the Ball and the importance of asking me questions. He learned and practiced those skills and I really cherished those times together. Come to think of it, I think it’s time for another mother-son date. I’m looking forward to his Christmas break from college.
Interestingly enough, when I picture a conversation as Tossing the Ball, I always picture a red ball. The color is bold. Easy to see. No camouflage.
The connection
What was Revelation #1 that Saturday? The connection between (1) the absence of conversations in my upbringing and (2) quiet time with Brandon on the couch. Remember from the last post—the Holy Spirit gave me the idea to ask for quiet time together. It had never crossed my mind. Thank you, Holy Spirit. What are the core truths reinforced by daily quiet time together? We both matter and we are at peace.
Daily quiet time has been transformative for our relationship. We start the day together, quietly, in harmony—feeding our souls. God did a lot of work in both of us to prepare us for this new season. Brandon became more peaceful and tenderhearted, and I became stronger and more courageous.
What was the next Staycation Revelation?
Shower time
I explained to Brandon why my shower time is such a big deal.
Frankie Ann’s Shower Time Rules for Brandon:
1. Don’t come into the room while I’m in the shower.
2. Don’t talk to me while I’m in the shower.
3. Don’t step into my shower!
What’s up with that? Yes, I know we’re husband and wife.
Growing up, the showboaters constantly stole my time and attention. They declared non-stop that they mattered and I didn’t. When I was awake, the place in the house where I was protected from them was in the shower. Needless to say, I took very, very long showers. No one was talking. No one was commandeering my attention. No one was filling the air with drama and demands. Hence, to this day, the shower is My Safe Place. It really is.
’Nuff said.
In the morning
The last Saturday of our Staycation, I woke up early and ate Banana Pecan Coffee Cake by candlelight. It was so good. To me, there’s something very special about eating by candlelight. The flickering candle speaks these words to me—softness, peace, truth. I pray and thank God for my food, and I often ask him: “Make me a blessing today.” The food nourishes my body and the candle nourishes my mind and spirit.
Have I mentioned that I am not a morning person? Don’t get me wrong. I used to hate mornings, but now I love them. When I say I’m not a morning person, I mean I’m not Chatty Cathy in the morning. I’m silent Frankie Ann. The absolute worst thing for me in the morning is someone talking—unless that someone is our son Logan. Don’t-Talk-To-Me-The-First-Hour-Of-My-Day may come partially from my childhood too. (Some of it is the fact that I’m an introvert and I recharge in solitude. More on that in part 3.) I know; life can be complicated. Wait a minute. Maybe it isn’t complicated at all; it’s simply hidden and waiting to be revealed.
Silent morning
When I think about it, my Silent Morning really makes sense. What I called “just the way I am” may have been, at least to some extent, a strong reaction to the sick surroundings where I grew up. My morning boundary declares loud and clear: “Do not invade my mind. Do not demand my attention as the starting point of my day.” Hmmmm. Which begs some questions. Is my Silent Morning behavior hurting my family? Is it keeping me from loving them? Nope. I often get up first and mosey to my spot on the couch for snuggle time with my dog Marvin and writing time on my laptop. So peaceful.
Quiet time
Another reason why I love mornings is quiet time. Reading my Bible. Writing in my journal. Reciting Psalm 91. Quiet time connects me to God before I step out into the day.
A prayer during morning quiet time
Holy Father, here I am. Prepare me for the day. I am yours. Prepare me, Lord. Protect me. Show me what you have for me. Make me a blessing today. Amen.
Your turn
Is there an area in your marriage or another important relationship where your loved one doesn’t understand why something is such a big deal to you? Think back to your upbringing. Where did your need, your boundary, your issue come from? Take some time to think about that. Ask God to reveal the truth so you two can have a great conversation and come to an understanding.
Was something not quite right where you grew up? Or, perhaps, glaringly disastrous? If so, read the post about dysfunctional family roles and costumes—and how to lay them down.
Saturday wrap-up
If you read the last post, you know that I like journaling about what I eat. The Saturday before Thanksgiving—the next-to-last day of our Staycation—I made us grilled cheese, turkey and tomato sandwiches for lunch, and Brandon cooked us a tasty steak for dinner. Yum. And I gave thanks to God for our food and much more. I journaled, “Lord, thank you so much for your rich blessings this week and all the ways you helped us and built up our marriage!”
Amen, amen and amen.
I thought I’d be writing about Saturday and Sunday in this post, but I think not.
Coming next: What happened on Sunday, the final day of our Staycation? What about Thanksgiving? Come back next time to read about an ear ache, a stained glass window and much more.
Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: James 3:17-18
Song: While I was choosing the song for today’s post, I noticed and listened to this song for the first time. What a beautiful gift. It makes me think about Jesus and quiet time. Be blessed by “Make Room” by Casting Crowns, featuring Matt Maher.
More: To stay current on recent posts, sign up for my monthly newsletter.