Flavors of denial
When we were in Mississippi one time, we found a card from my grandpa to my grandma. He signed it, “I said it and I meant it.” Translation: “I said ‘I love you’ when we got married, so I don’t have to say it again.” Charming. (Pssst, Peaceful Readers. Don’t act like him.)
Here’s the Frankie Ann version of “I said and I meant it.” I’m finally going to do what I said I would. What are we covering today?
Denial
Check out this segment from the first Forgiving post.
…When I think of flavors, I like to think about Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Vanilla, Pistachio Almond and an old-time favorite, Butter Pecan. Oh. Wait a minute. Those are ice cream flavors. Did you know that there are flavors of denial? There sure are. And I think you’ve probably tasted them all. I sure have. As we grapple with The Four Flavors of Denial, I believe their grip on us will be released. We’ll recognize and understand them for The Destroyers that they are and we’ll kick them to the curb, along with our other trash.
The chains
Denial keeps millions of people in the chains of unacknowledged trauma for years. From this post:
One of the primary goals of each large-scale evil plot is to create and maintain a repeatedly- or constantly-traumatized public. (Details in “Out of Shadows.”) Masterminds know that long-term, chronic trauma—as in the case of abortion—is ideal.
To find out why, read the section called Trauma in this post. (For more about denial, see The Trauma of Abortion, part 1 and The Relationship Between Adapting and Denial and more here.)
The connection
What makes denial a barrier to forgiving? When I don’t acknowledge a trauma or loss, I don’t take healing steps—unpacking what happened, doing the work of grieving, or—oftentimes—forgiving.
♦ No problem? No awareness.
♦ No problem? No response.
♦ No problem? No healing.
Lying to myself
Last time on Choosing Peace, I wrote: “I tend to think of denial as mental gymnastics—I mean lying to myself.” The word denial has six letters. Let’s move the letters around and see what we get.
L – I – E…
A – N – D…
Without further ado.
The four flavors
1. Denial
2. Justifications and Excuses
3. Us vs. Them
4. Gallows Humor
Today, we’ll cover the first two: (1) Denial and (2) Justifications and Excuses.
The first flavor
Name: Denial
Flavor: Vanilla
Nickname: The Granddaddy
Core message: “Problem? What problem.”
The flavor and the granddaddy
Why the flavor Vanilla? Because vanilla is smooth. Extremely smooth. No surprises.
Why the nickname The Granddaddy? This is the foundational flavor of denial. If people believe there’s no problem whatsoever, they’re free to forget about what just happened. “It’s normal.” “It’s legal.” “It’s no big deal.” “Everybody’s doing it.” (See lists of lies here.) Translation: “I’m just a normal person. I’m in good company. I’m okay; you’re okay.”
The warning
Public opinion is a very dangerous, ever-changing metric. For many years, I was extremely vulnerable to the lies of the world. What was the result? Trauma.
Beware.
You won’t find truth on the 6:00 news. You’ll find propaganda. Go to God and his word instead. He never changes. See this post for more about the mainstream media.
Lawmakers
At one point in our nation’s history, it was legal to kidnap, sell and enslave people. For the last 50 years, it’s been legal to exterminate babies in their mothers’ wombs. Obviously, lawmakers have failed to ensure that the laws of our nation honor our Declaration of Independence—ensuring the most basic human rights. Lawmakers want life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for themselves, but not necessarily for other people. There’s no liberty in slavery. There’s no life in abortion. There’s no pursuit of happiness in either.
A message to the lawmakers who have forsaken We The People
“…you are weighed in the balances, and are found wanting.”
Daniel 5:27, New Heart English Bible
What does that mean?
Buying and selling
In ancient times, a balance or scale was used in commerce—in buying and selling. If a true, accurate weight was placed on one side by the merchant and you placed your purchase on the other side—flour, oil, olives—when the two sides balanced, you’d be paying the right amount for your goods. An ounce of this. A pound of that. If the merchant was a thief, he’d put too little weight—an inaccurate “standard”—on his side of the scale and you’d pay too much—more than the stated price. You thought you were getting one pound of flour. You actually got three-quarters of a pound, but you paid for a full pound. Bad merchant. Lying. Cheating. Stealing.
The meaning
Spiritually-speaking, to be “weighed in the balances” means “to be compared to what is right and true.” And the second part—“found wanting”—means, basically, “You are severely missing the mark.”
Go here for the whole powerful story.
It is a very serious warning.
Denial—then and now
Remember—we’re in The Granddaddy of denial category. “Problem? What problem.”
Slavery
Before the Civil War, some southern slave owners released their slaves*, but the vast majority didn’t. Many people in the South denied the evil of slavery. It was legal, their parents did it, so they did it.
Denial 101.
*Interview with Julia Brown, When I Was a Slave.
Testimonies
I hope you’ll read When I Was a Slave: Memoirs from the Slave Narrative Collection edited by Norman R. Yetman. Former slaves were interviewed in the 1930s, with 34 of the interviews chosen for this collection. All of the slaves featured in this book were born into slavery except one. What about the one who wasn’t born into slavery? She was targeted and kidnapped from a boarding school outing at age 10 so she could teach French to a wealthy slave trader’s children. For the rest of her story, read When I Was a Slave. I highly recommend it.
Trafficking
Slavery today? Human trafficking enslaves tens of millions of people worldwide. Today’s slaves aren’t sold publicly on “the block”—at the market. They’re sold in secret. They aren’t chained up and paraded through town. They’re hidden and transported on container ships, in tunnels and more. They don’t work outside on plantations in full view of passersby. They’re enslaved behind closed doors. Instead of public discussions and/or heated arguments about slavery—as in days gone by—most people don’t want to talk about it.
Denial 101.
Crimes against humanity
These truths from the story of Samson bear repeating.
Because God loves us and made us in his image, we know that he doesn’t approve of prostitution, trafficking, slavery, etc. As a matter of fact, kidnapping was a capital offense in the Old Testament—and rightly so. People aren’t commodities or products to be bought or sold. That is an abomination to the Lord.
I believe that pornography—the primary fuel igniting deviant, base sexual behavior—is a crime against humanity. Abortion is a crime against humanity and families—men, women and children. Abortion traumatizes fathers and mothers and kills children. (See Fatherhood Aborted and other resources here.)
If you’ve been personally touched by any of these issues, know that God desires your salvation, your healing and your transformation.
Join me in praying for the end of trafficking,
prostitution, abortion and pornography during our lifetime.
The movie
Here’s a message from the movie Sound of Freedom, released on July 4 last week. God’s children are not for sale. Peaceful Readers, see Sound of Freedom. It’s very important. After you see it, God may ask you to do something—whether it’s to donate, volunteer, impact awareness or share this post.
Many rescue and survivor groups are out there. Consider helping one of these.
♦ Rescue Hill
♦ Refuge for Women
♦ Bob’s House of Hope
♦ Rescue Her
♦ Operation Underground Railroad, founded by Tim Ballard, “Sound of Freedom”
War
Walk slowly through this masterpiece—Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland by Christopher Browning. Older, everyday German men were drafted into a brutal execution squad during World War 2. Laws, propaganda, orders and group pressure contributed to various levels of participation in the atrocities. Very few abstained or questioned what was going on.
Denial 101.
Abortion
Like trafficking, abortion takes place silently, behind closed doors. In The Walls Are Talking: Former Abortion Clinic Workers Tell Their Stories by Abby Johnson, you can learn about the gruesome realities of this billion-dollar industry of death. Lies. Manipulation. Denial. Death. Trauma.
Listen to The Sound of Denial in The Walls Are Talking: “The cause of reproductive rights” (chapter 1), “God is on our side” (chapter 3), “the side of truth,” (chapter 5), “the side of justice,” (chapter 8), “[women’s] rights,” (chapter 9), “a civil rights issue” and “a feminist holy war” (chapter 17).
Denial 101.
Abortion and trafficking are similar in this way: “Most people don’t want to talk about it.”
Also, Denial 101.
To explore the silence of abortion, read The Machine.
Closer to home
Dig into my story of denial about my abortion and God’s kindness in cracking the walls piece by piece. Thank you, Lord.
Denial 101.
The second flavor
Name: Justifications and Excuses
Flavor: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Nickname: The Salesman
Core message: “Because I had a good reason, I did the right thing.”
The flavor and the salesman
Why Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough? Because there’s a lot of stuff going on in there—big stuff, little stuff; salty stuff, sweet stuff; crunchy stuff, chewy stuff. It’s a surprise in every bite.
Why the nickname The Salesman? Having already convinced myself, justifications and excuses are all about convincing you—to ensure that you don’t ask any questions or give me any pushback.
I’m selling my version of reality and I’m expecting you to buy it.
That’s what a great salesman does, right? Justifications and excuses involve well-practiced techniques. Tried-and-true statements. Fool-proof arguments. That reminds me of the abortion industry. I digress.
The lie factor
Remember the core message of justifications and excuses: “Because I had a good reason, I did the right thing.” Let’s drink in the essential truth about excuses. From the post about people-pleasing:
During his series on The Ten Commandments, our preacher mentioned this quote from evangelist Billy Sunday, and it stuck with me. “An excuse is a skin of a reason stuffed with a lie.” Yes, indeed.
Hidden inside every justification or excuse is a lie. “Because I had a good reason….” Stop right there. The alleged “good reason” is, in fact, a lie. Therefore, it isn’t a good reason. It’s a lie. And lies are bad.
The control factor
In this post, I wrote about how people-pleasing fuels excuses. I’d like to amend that thought. Something else can fuel excuses. Control. In other words, excuses can be fueled by (1) our desire to be liked, or (2) our desire to control someone. Uh-oh. Now I’m scrunching up my face. Track with me. If I want people to like me even though my behavior—my lying—makes me less-than-likable, aren’t I just trying to control them? Hmmm. I feel like I just got bitten by some fire ants. Ouch. There’s an old saying: “If the shoe fits, wear it.” Lying. Controlling. Manipulating. I do not want to wear that shoe! But I must admit—I’ve worn it—more than I care to acknowledge.
Cover-ups
Here’s some more from The Beauty of the Bible, part 5 (the prelude to the epic story of Esther).
Excuses are basically cover-ups for why we said yes when we should’ve said no, why we didn’t show up, why we were late, why we’re canceling, why we’re quitting, why we’re declining, etc. Excuses always include a lie.
A valid reason is one thing.
An excuse is something else altogether.
Remember, “An excuse is a skin of a reason stuffed with a lie.”
For an entertaining list of common excuses, see Cover-ups and Examples here.
Justification vs. excuse
What’s the difference between a justification and an excuse? Some people consider them to be the same thing—a perfectly valid opinion. Personally, I think of a justification as a pumped-up excuse. Justification = Just as if I actually did the right thing. In other words, “You have no right to be remotely unhappy with me because I obviously did the right thing (and how dare you even consider thinking otherwise).” Yep. A justification is an in-your-face excuse.
Justifications can be particularly disturbing. “I’m obviously hurting you or someone else, but I’m pretending I’m helping or—at the very least—fully justified. Challenge me at your peril.” That reminds me of my sociopathic mother-in-law. For a stellar story or two about Her Majesty, the Sadistic Control Freak, read this post from the first series.
Justifications and excuses—then and now
Slavery: 1800s
Sass and spunk
When Delicia Patterson* was put on the auction block at age 15, a wealthy, notoriously-cruel slave owner bid on her. Delicia told him that if he bought her, she would slit her own throat. He stepped back. Delicia’s father and his owner were also there. Delicia’s father had asked his owner to buy Delicia so they could be together. Request denied. Why? Because the owner didn’t want a “sassy” slave. This disappointment broke her father’s heart.
Justification 101.
(Delicia was sold to a Southern Englishman for $1,500 who said he wouldn’t own a slave who didn’t have “some spunk.”)
*Interview with Delicia Patterson, When I Was a Slave.
Read and write
Many slaves were not allowed to learn to read or write. On the plantation where Fannie Moore* lived, they were not allowed to even pick up a piece of paper. The owners were afraid that their slaves would become smart and would be “harder to manage.”
Justification 101.
*Interview with Fannie Moore, When I Was a Slave.
Sold and bought
Mary Reynolds* was born the same time as her owner’s daughter Sara. Mary’s mom nursed them both because Sara’s mom died. Mary and Sara played together and were extremely close. Mary talked about how much “Miss Sara” loved her. When Mary was still a preschooler, her master sold her because he didn’t want his daughter playing with a slave.
Justification 101.
Sara was distraught and grieved so intensely—getting sicker and sicker—that she almost died. The doctor told Sara’s father that he had to buy Mary back or his daughter would die. He did, and Sara perked right back up.
Mary’s life on the plantation wasn’t easy because Sara loved her. Very long days working in the fields, bloody hands, stripped naked for beatings, little food, etc. Mary saw fellow slaves whipped to death; her family was chased by hounds for sneaking off-plantation for a prayer meeting; and Mary was beaten so severely when loaned to “some ornery white trash [named] Kidd” that she passed out and the beating left her sterile. Word made it to Sara about what Mr. Kidd had done. When Mary was capable of being moved, “Miss Sara” brought her home. Why did Mr. Kidd beat Mary? Because another slave ran off, and Mr. Kidd figured Mary knew about it.
Justification 101.
Mary described that season of slavery as the “worst days” the world has ever seen.
Peaceful Readers, those days are here again.
*Interview with Mary Reynolds, When I Was a Slave.
WW2: The first massacre
In chapter 8 of Ordinary Men, author Christopher Browning quotes a 35-year-old metalworker’s testimony about the battalion’s first massacre of Jewish people—a face-to-face, one-on-one indoctrination. This particular policeman killed only children—justifying that they couldn’t survive without their mothers. His comrade shot the child’s mother. Then he shot the child—thinking it would be “soothing to my conscience….” He told himself that he was helping the children. He was releasing or “saving” them.
Translation: “I’m doing you a favor.”
Justification 101.
More on genocide here.
Abortion: The mantra
One of the abortion industry’s mantras—“Every child a wanted child”*—makes the identical argument. “I’m doing you a favor. You’re better off dead than unplanned or unwanted.”
Justification 101.
*Chapter 14, The Walls Are Talking.
From challenge to strength
Did you know that many of the most amazing people throughout time came from less-than-easy, less-than-ideal upbringings? If King David’s life was easy, would he have written the Psalms that still inspire us today?
The truth about abortion and life
What’s the truth? Taking an innocent life is wrong. Because abortion takes an innocent life, abortion is wrong.
God, our creator, made plans for each one of us. The thief—the devil—came to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus came to give us abundant life. Watch this important short film, “Jesus, The Soul Shepherd.”
The director of a nearby women’s care clinic spoke at our church one evening. Someone asked her what happens to most babies whose mothers consider abortion but choose life. Do the moms keep their babies? Do they place them for adoption? The vast majority of the women keep their babies. What we view as a crisis, emergency or insurmountable obstacle at one time in our lives can be viewed quite differently later. Love, truth and encouragement make a powerful difference. Thank you to the women’s care clinics who serve vulnerable women and help them choose life for their precious babies.
Well, we’ve looked at justifications from slavery, war and abortion. Let’s mosey back to the first series for today’s last example of justification. But first, I need to restate an earlier description. Justifications can be particularly disturbing. “I’m obviously hurting you or someone else, but I’m pretending I’m helping or—at the very least—fully justified. Challenge me at your peril.” That sounds very familiar.
Our sick family: The letter
You may remember The Sneak Attack posts from the first series. Uncle Henry, my sociopathic mother-in-law’s brother, sent Brandon a letter—The Sneak Attack; I mean The Manifesto. It was 559 words of control. Condescending, revealing control. It went something like this: “I’m here to help you and Frankie Ann by kicking you in the teeth, lying to and about you, and telling you what to do.”
Justification 101.
Frankie Ann’s temper tantrum
Muchas gracias, wack-a-doo. Thanks oh-so-much for your carefully-crafted attack and the stellar sociopathic justifications. What a smug know-it-all. Sorry, Peaceful Readers. Excuse my temper tantrum.
Strength from the truth
Before the attack letter arrived, the Holy Spirit gave me this truth:
Those who do evil and call it good
are not to be trifled with.
We remembered our mantra when dealing with sociopaths—and people with other personality disorders: “You play, you lose.” We also used our secret weapon: Silence. To dig into The Sneak Attack or if you need a refresher on the Red Flags for Sociopaths, read all six parts.
The same year as The Sneak Attack, the Newsboys released the song below. I’d totally forgotten about it. Then I checked my song list and I knew it was the one for this post. You will love it.
Your turn
Peaceful Reader, it’s time to get out your journal and do some reflecting about the excuses or justifications in your life. What excuses or justifications have key people, the media or society-at-large used on you? How did you feel at the time? How do you feel now? How did those excuses or justifications impact you and your decisions? Your beliefs? Your life?
Now let’s change gears. What excuses or justifications have you used? How have your own excuses or justifications impacted your relationships and how you perceive yourself? Consider some of the big ones and some of the smaller ones. Take your time.
Praying and remembering
Pray and ask God to show you the truth and what he wants you to do next.
Remember, denial is all about lies. Healing comes from the truth. (And so does forgiving.)
Coming next: We’ll explore the last two flavors of denial—Us vs. Them and Gallows Humor. You’ll read about two more flavors of ice cream, a cookie and much more.
Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: 2 Corinthians 3:12
Song: “Guilty” by Newsboys
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