Sabotage and blessings
Today on Choosing Peace you’ll read about plumbing, this year’s college drop-off, and God’s remarkable, abundant blessings.
Special days
In the last post, I mentioned special days. “And today is my parents’ anniversary. The special days matter. More on that later….” When I say Special Days, I don’t just mean your favorite day of the week. I mean that small handful of days that say anticipation or celebration or milestone in a very personal way to you. Special Days can include your favorite holidays and vacations. What are your Special Days? Mine are my birthday, Mother’s Day, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas and vacations.
We look forward to Special Days, sometimes for months. Don’t we?
Foreign or familiar
Peaceful Reader, if the concept of someone ruining your Special Days sounds totally foreign to you, get down on your knees and count your blessings. This post can help you understand why holidays and Special Days can be particularly painful and/or anxiety-ridden for some people. If, on the other hand, this post has a familiar ring, you’re in good company.
Systematic sabotage
Some of us have been on the receiving end of sabotage or attack on Special Days, which changes things for us. Personally, I’ve experienced several different flavors of sabotage on Special Days: (1) Hijacking—someone taking over my Special Day, (2) ignoring or disregarding, (3) verbal attacks, and (4) control. Does any of that sound familiar?
Gifts from our extended family
On Choosing Peace, I refer to my younger sibling as Pam, The Almighty. Back in the day, Pam was also the Special Days coordinator. Say it with me, Peaceful Readers, like Gomer Pyle: Surprise, surprise, surprise! Before we began The Exile from Pam’s family, one or more of Pam’s children would cry at everyone else’s birthday party. What was that about? Aren’t birthday parties supposed to be happy? Brandon’s sadistic sister Shelly habitually ruined Thanksgiving and Christmas. And my sociopathic mother-in-law Delia was particularly fond of ruining birthdays. For the jaw-dropping birthday examples, read the Sad, But True section in this post.
Crazy plumbing
The ruination didn’t only come from our extended family. It was passed down from one generation to the next. One Mother’s Day, Brandon insisted that Logan and I help him repair our sprinkler system. And for those who are Calendarily Challenged like my Brandon—and yes, I made up that word—Mother’s Day is always on a Sunday, which makes it not only a Special Day, but The Lord’s Day. A plumbing repair on Mother’s Day? On The Lord’s Day after church? Excuse me?!? I told Brandon that I didn’t want any of us doing plumbing on Mother’s Day. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. Was our house flooding? No. Was water gushing into the street? No. This was a nice-to-get-done kind of repair, not an emergency.
How I wanted to spend my Mother’s Day was clearly irrelevant in Brandon’s World. The plumbing repair could’ve been done any number of Saturdays, but no. It absolutely, positively had to be done—with my help and Logan’s help—on Mother’s Day. Am I throwing a Frankie-Ann-Wall-Eyed-Fit 11 years after the fact? Yes, I am. You better believe it. Brandon disregarded my wishes, hijacking and controlling my Mother’s Day. Have I forgiven him for it? Ummm. Maybe not.
In this post, I mentioned a bizarre encounter with my in-laws and called it cray-cray on The Lord’s Day, which must be hereditary or something. Bottom line: Brandon ruined and stole my Special Day. And he couldn’t give it back.
Last year
Has Brandon been the picture of thoughtfulness since then? Uhhhh, no. Last year on Mother’s Day, he started a fight with me on the way to church, calling me “disloyal.” I spent the afternoon at my pal Charlene’s house. Again, the day was ruined. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Sometimes the sabotage or attack comes several days before or after my Special Day. It’s still ruined. Heavy sigh.
Chained to the past
Why does Brandon sometimes ruin our Special Days? Because he’s still chained to the past. He hasn’t completed The Healing Journey. But that may not be the whole picture. Is there something else at play?
Brandon grew up in an unbelievably sick and violent place—and he adapted to his environment. The sociopaths molded him. Vacations and holidays were especially bad. Brandon’s made some progress in our 25 years of marriage. He no longer spends several months per year saying “I hate holidays” or “I hate Christmas.” I’m thankful for that. Truly. But he definitely has a long way to go.
Strategic planning
While I understand the origin of Brandon’s sabotage, that doesn’t really change the reality for me. His penchant for Special Day Sabotage serves as a long-term warning—and an opportunity to regularly stretch my Forgiving Muscles.
Like me, you may find that sometimes strategic planning
is in order where Special Days are concerned.
Recently, I’ve become much more proactive in this department.
The college drop-off
The first two years when we dropped Logan off at college were fraught with strife and stress. This fall, I was clear on one thing. The move-in would be pleasant and low-stress this time. But what could I do? I wasn’t The Complainer. I wasn’t The Angry One. I wasn’t The Controller.
Prep on the drive
During our drive down, I told Brandon he needed to plan for the move-in to be positive. He said he hadn’t planned for the other ones to be bad. I repeated myself. “You need to plan for the move-in to be positive.” I made myself very clear. This is a decision, not a coincidence or an accident.
Attempted sabotage
Guess what Brandon did? After several successful and smooth rounds of unloading and moving items into Logan’s on-campus apartment, Brandon suggested that we change our meeting location to someplace unclear and obscure. Logan and I both vehemently said no. What we were doing was working and we weren’t about to change it so Brandon could confuse us and then accuse us of ignoring him or screwing up.
I saw Brandon’s attempted sabotage clearly. He tried to use control to orchestrate confusion so he could vent his anger to ruin this Special Day for Logan, who was moving into his first apartment. But we said no. We refused to walk, stumble or get kicked in Brandon’s World. I can’t tell you how relieved I was that it went smoothly. Finally. Interestingly enough, Brandon was really happy about how the day went too. We talked about it a lot on the way home.
Truth revealed
Why did Brandon—or at least a part of Brandon—want to ruin Logan’s move-in—his Special Day? Why?
For the third year in a row, Brandon complained to me ahead of time about our plan to help Logan move in at college. For the third year in a row I told him, “It’s what good parents do.” He said he didn’t understand it. I replied that he didn’t have to understand it. Logan needed our help and we were going to give it. We were not going to use Brandon’s sociopathic parents as our Parenting Models. No sir.
This day was 100% about Logan. It wasn’t about us. Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe Brandon secretly or subconsciously wanted to ruin Logan’s Special Day because the day wasn’t about Brandon. The day was about giving, not taking. It was about caring, not checking out. It was about someone else, not himself. Or was Brandon so programmed by his sociopathic parents and his violent sister Shelly that Special Days are really about the powerful people beating down their targets? Does he subconsciously believe that Special Days are, at their core, just a power play—an opportunity to dominate others and put them in their place? Is it entertaining or deeply satisfying to shock us and show us who’s boss? In his pain-ridden reality, is it just The Way Life Is?
My 60th birthday
After Brandon ruined a Special Day in August, I was determined that I wouldn’t let him ruin my 60th birthday the next month. I had already booked my Writing Retreat for three days and nights over Labor Day weekend, a week before my birthday. I called it “my birthday present to myself.” Brandon couldn’t argue with that. I’d been wanting to take myself on a Writing Retreat for years. I worked and I was paying for it. The retreat was amazing. What did I do to protect my actual birthday? I planned my birthday dinner with Charlene, my Soul Sister—someone who’s consistently good to me. Loving. Kind. Dependable. I love you, Charlene.
On my birthday, Brandon sang “Happy Birthday” to me and made me an omelet for breakfast. That was sweet. He said he didn’t get me a birthday card. Whatever. Then he proceeded to tell me about his nightmares and fears. I reminded him that it was my birthday. Translation: “Not good birthday topics.” He thought I’d want to know what was on his mind. Actually, no. Not that stuff. Not today. I’m rolling my eyes and shaking my head—a two-for-one, yet again.
Best birthday ever
Thankfully, the Lord Almighty gave me the best birthday ever, even though Brandon started it by talking about his nightmares and fears.
The letter
Seeing as how my love language is Words of Affirmation, I asked Logan to write me a letter for my birthday. He wished me a Happy Birthday, thanked me for always being there for him, and more. His letter ended with this: “I am proud of you and I’m proud to be your son. Love, Logan.”
Can it get any better than that?
Actually, the Lord poured out his blessings before, during and after my birthday, like a beautiful waterfall.
Before the big day
Three days before my big 6-0 birthday, God gave me my new dog, Marvin. Suffice it to say, God was in the details. Lovingly. Compassionately. Tenderly. From the last post:
The day after my new dog Marvin came to live with us, I was sitting with him on the couch. All of a sudden, this tangible love rushed from my heart toward him. I could feel it physically. It was remarkable. Love rushed through me toward this sweet dog who’d had a hard life. Wow. As I petted and loved my new dog, I received God’s healing. Powerfully.
That love-rushing experience happened early on Sunday morning—The Lord’s Day.
God is in the details.
Marvin is my snuggle buddy. I’m crazy about him.
On the big day
Where do I begin? Seriously. Texts, hugs, cards, food, a massive cupcake, flowers and more. Friends galore. Oh, my goodness.
Snoopy
Like I said—God is in the details. My “Happy Birthday” text from Meagan first thing in the morning had Snoopy blowing a noisemaker, wearing a birthday hat. It made me smile and laugh out loud. What a great way to begin the day. Did Meagan know that my parents often gave me Snoopy cards? No, she didn’t. But God knew. That brought me special joy.
C
hocolate, cards and hugs
What flavor was my birthday cupcake? Chocolate. Praise the Lord. And my friend Sam brought me a cup of milk to go with it. I ate my chocolate cupcake and drank that delicious milk for lunch while I was at work at St. Matt’s. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. And laughter was the icing on the cake. I cracked up laughing when I read Sam’s birthday card.
Kathleen came up for brunch in the morning and brought me a sweet, sweet card. Her hugs bless me so deeply. I journaled, “Holy Spirit, thank you for my new mom!” To read more about Kathleen and how God brought us together, read The Prayer, part 5.
Flowers and kindness
One of the ladies on the Flower Team came to St. Matt’s to take down Sunday’s altar flowers, and she brought them to me. Absolutely gorgeous. Did she know that my favorite colors are yellow and red? No. Did she know that it was my birthday? No. But God knew. That, Peaceful Readers, was A Kiss On The Head from Jesus. Big-time. I emailed her and thanked her for blessing my Special Day.
Father Roberto, who worked at St. Matt’s for several years, sent me a very kind text. “…May the Lord always bless your transparent spirit and sympathy. Happy birthday, and have the most beautiful day in your life.”
My soul sister
After work, Charlene came over and met Marvin. I opened my birthday card and presents. They spoke these foundational truths to my heart: God sees me. God knows me. God loves me. And so does my Soul Sister. Then Charlene took me out for dinner to a relaxed, comfort food favorite—Rosako’s Soul Food and BBQ. I didn’t want to eat somewhere fancy. I just wanted great food in a very low-key atmosphere. Best fried okra ever. I mean it. We talked and talked and talked. For dessert, we opted for Braum’s since I ate chocolate cake for lunch. Charlene swung through the drive-thru and we ate our sweet treats in her SUV while we yakked some more.
What a beautiful day.
The next day and the next
The day after my 60th birthday, one of the sweet ladies on the Altar Guild at St. Matt’s—I’ll call her Paula—brought me a surprise. God’s blessings kept flowing.
Wednesday, September 13
Journal entry
Paula brought me a vanilla/strawberry bundt cake with cream cheese frosting…. Delicious! I ate it for lunch. Cake for lunch two days in a row…. Hallelujah and Praise the Lord. I also received a sweet birthday card from Meagan. She wrote, “You are one of my favorite ideas that God had! Much love, Meagan.” She is precious. Lord Jesus, thank you so much for my dear friends! James 1:17.
The next day, it was chocolate, flowers and a sweet card from another dear one. Wow. I was blown away. The Lord kept giving and giving and giving. I journaled, “The flowers are beautiful poppies, which makes me think about my new water bottle from Charlene, covered with poppies, which says, ‘His grace is sufficient for me.’ Amen, amen and amen.” His grace is sufficient for me.
A call to remember
Poppies stand for remembrance. Frankie Ann, remember who I am. Remember whose you are. Remember what I’ve done in your life. Remember that you are free. Remember how much I love you.
Remember….
Friends and the sermon
You probably noticed how friends made such a difference in the unfolding of my remarkable birthday. The music video at the end of this post is filled with images of friendship. Our generous and gracious Father is the giver of every good gift, including treasured friends like my Charlene, Meagan, Kathleen, Sam and more. I hope today’s song and the video’s warm images of friendship will bless you deeply.
One of my frequently-used sayings about friendship goes like this: “To have a good friend, you have to be a good friend.” This recent sermon called “True Friendship” rocks the house. I highly recommend it. After hearing the sermon, a friend from our life group gave me a bookmark and a note that now live in my Bible.
Your turn
Let’s return our focus to Special Days—a very big deal. In the Old Testament, God instituted Special Days of worship and commemoration for the nation of Israel. Jesus did his first public miracle at a wedding feast.
Have you experienced stressful or hurtful Special Days? If so, take out your journal and reflect on your answers to these questions. Think about your holidays, vacations, special outings, family weddings, graduations, parties, celebrations, etc. Who made some of those days hard for you? What was done—or not done? Who failed to show up or came late? Who invited you or canceled at the last minute? Who left early because they were “tired” or had something better to do? Sabotage comes in many different flavors. Who ignored you (or your wishes) or left you out? What was said that stayed with you? Who manipulated or controlled the day? Who attacked or made fun of someone? Who showed up drunk or high? Who complained, showboated, cried, talked incessantly or orchestrated chaos? Do you dread Special Days when certain people will be there?
Is God calling you to make some changes,
to address some things ahead of time,
to do some strategic planning?
A prayer when Special Days have been ruined
Peaceful Reader, if you’ve experienced Special Day Sabotage, let’s pray this prayer together. If, on the other hand, your Special Days are consistently good and harmonious, pray this prayer over someone you know who’s been hurt in this way.
God, some of my Special Days have been days of hurt and disappointment, shock and dread. Show me what I need to do to protect myself (and my family/children) from harm. Give me courage to speak the right words at the right time. Give me wisdom when I’m making plans for Special Days. Help me to look outside the box and make the changes I need to make about the people I welcome into my Special Days—and the places where I celebrate them. I need to forgive the people who’ve hurt me on Special Days. Their names are ____________. These are some of the things they did: ____________. I forgive them. Help me to choose my friends wisely. Jesus, you’re a friend like no other. Thank you, Lord, for Special Days. Help my Special Days to honor you and be pleasing in your sight. Amen.
Summary
For some of us, Special Days have been highly unpredictable. After Brandon ruined a Special Day in August, I finally acknowledged the risks involved in leaving our Special Days in Brandon’s World. I woke up and decided to do some strategic planning instead of relying on wishful thinking and/or living with the customary dread.
I initiated a pointed discussion with Brandon on the way to Logan’s move-in at college. Logan and I said no to Brandon’s attempted sabotage, and the day went extremely well even though it was 107 degrees outside. God was good to us. For my birthday—the big 6-0—I took myself on my Writing Retreat and I scheduled my birthday dinner with Charlene instead of rolling the dice in Brandon’s World. And God showered me, epically, with birthday blessings.
When enemies or saboteurs knock me down, the Lord will lift me up.
And the Maker of heaven and earth—God Almighty—has the last word.
He speaks in power, shining light into the darkness.
And he speaks in love—directly to me.
God sees me. God knows me. God loves me.
Coming next: We’ll continue reflecting on Special Days—reminiscing about a small town and anticipating a small city. Come back next time.
Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: John 15:15
Song: Drink in the words and the images of friendship in this wonderful song, “Heart of the Father” by Ryan Ellis. God is so good.
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