The travels and the résumé
In late-October, I wrote a post called The Good Girl about an old friend of mine—old meaning former. What happened? I realized that I was dealing with a narcissist, which explained my uneasiness around her.
[All names have been changed to protect the innocent, the exceedingly-guilty, and everyone in between.]
Rewind and repeat
Here are a few excerpts from part 1, which described the puzzle pieces I finally put together.
A spider crawled through my phone on Thursday and Friday. A bona fide, creepy spider. I met this particular friend at work when Logan was in kindergarten. Let’s call her Stephanie Foghorn. Stephanie came across as a devoted Christian, wife and mom. Dependable to the extreme. A woman who knew the Bible and was very active in church. But something else was lurking underneath her squeaky-clean exterior. Something it took me 17 years to comprehend.
…The card and the letter
[After unpacking Stephanie’s inappropriate admonishment to my husband Brandon in a sympathy card, I dug into a letter she sent to her oldest daughter.]
…Stephanie wrote an 8-page, single-spaced, typed letter in an attempt to convince her daughter that abortion should be the #1 topic on which she should base her November voting ballot selections. …I asked Stephanie if she’d ever received an 8-page, single-spaced, typed letter. She said no. I said such a long letter would be unbelievably overwhelming. Stephanie didn’t seem to get it. She was justified. She was fixing a major problem. Stephanie was being an extremely good girl.
Did it ever cross Stephanie’s mind how such a bombastically controlling display might backfire? Nope. Stephanie was being an extremely good girl, don’t you know. She was doing the right thing. Just ask her counselor.
The destination wedding
When Stephanie’s son and his fiancé got married in Mexico, some of the groom’s friends couldn’t be his groomsmen. They didn’t make much money. Stephanie was mad that they canceled. I asked her if her son ever spent $1,500 to $2,000 and took time off work to be in someone’s wedding outside the country. No, he didn’t. “But we gave them a year’s notice! They could have saved up the money.” Stephanie couldn’t see the problem. She could afford the international travel. Why couldn’t everyone else?
Stephanie was incapable of seeing the situation from someone else’s point of view.
Observations and findings
For many years, Stephanie has taught English to foreign nationals in a local church program. After the plandemic, she pressured all her students to get the COVID-19 vaccine. I challenged her on the issue, but she wasn’t having it—any opposition, that is. And that’s the bottom line. Stephanie displays some disturbing control issues, and this quote summarizes much of her personality.
Stephanie was incapable of seeing the situation from someone else’s point of view.
My other primary observation was Stephanie’s need to be admired for her various Christian activities. She made sure that our pastor knew about all her good deeds so the whole church could hear about The Good Girl from the pulpit. Very disturbing. So, what puzzle pieces do we have so far? Control freak. Lack of empathy for others. Obsessed with public adoration. You may be thinking, “Ummm, Frankie Ann? That’s Narcissist 101 stuff.” It certainly is.
Why did it take me so long to figure Stephanie out? I thought of narcissists in the grandiose and malignant categories—the ones displayed in my family. With Stephanie’s constant focus on Christian service to others, it never crossed my mind that she could be a narcissist or have any other type of personality disorder.
Based on Stephanie’s many Christian activities,
I thought she actually cared about other people
in a connected, unselfish, meaningful way.
Clearly, I was sadly mistaken.
More flavors of narcissism
When I learned recently about other types of narcissists, I realized that Stephanie is the poster child for the communal category. In addition to calling Stephanie The Good Girl, we could also call her The Church Lady. Other communal narcissists could be described as do-gooders or social justice warriors.
Dr. Ramani covers types of narcissists in this excellent video:
♦ Grandiose
♦ Malignant
♦ Vulnerable (AKA covert)
♦ Communal
♦ Neglectful
♦ Self-righteous
If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, I highly recommend watching Dr. Ramani’s video (and others, as the Lord leads you).
The Christmas letter
In December, I received Stephanie’s annual Christmas mailing. Truth be told, I dreaded reading her long Christmas letter. I finally read it on Sunday morning, more than three months after receiving it. What can I say. I find narcissists to be exceedingly taxing. Because narcissists literally suck the life out of you, they’re frequently described as spiders. (See this post for my spider dreams and what they revealed.)
Needless to say, Stephanie’s Christmas card and letter sparkled ever-so-brightly in the Best Narcissist at Church department. Her Christmas card was a large photo card with one collage on the front and another on the back—11 photos in all. Her single-spaced, typed Christmas letter filled two pages. At 970 words and 13 paragraphs long, she far eclipsed my sociopathic/narcissistic mother-in-law’s 658-word manifesto from last spring. Wow. Did Stephanie tell everyone on her list what a very, very good girl she was in 2025? Oh, yes, indeed. Remember: Stephanie is a very, very good girl. In fact, she’s the very best good girl around. Don’t take my word for it. Take Stephanie’s.
In more ways than one, this Christmas letter read like a bizarre sales pitch.
A narcissist’s focus—me, myself and I
Stephanie focused on (1) her travels, (2) her Christian résumé—including statistics, and (3) ridiculous details like “I went to my grandchild’s birthday party” and “let me tell you who came to our house for Thanksgiving and who’s coming for Christmas.” Give the remarkably good girl a medal. She’s the hostess with the most-est. But don’t take my word for it. Take Stephanie’s. “We had enough food to feed an army!”
The travels
Stephanie obviously takes great pride in her travels. She focused on her travels with details ad nauseum in paragraphs 2 thru 8. Yes, Peaceful Readers—for seven consecutive paragraphs (plus paragraph 11). Good grief. Why, pray tell? Because everyone needs to admire Stephanie, the world traveler extraordinaire. Stephanie is very important, don’t you know. Important people travel. And other people travel to see them. We also learn from Stephanie’s letter about her grandchildren’s travels, including how her 7- and 10-year-old grandchildren flew without an adult to and from their visit to Texas. (Don’t get me started on how horrifically dangerous that is. Safety and responsibility are obviously not the point in Stephanie’s World or in Stephanie’s World-Class Narcissistic Christmas Letter. Stephanie is the point. And don’t you forget—Stephanie is a remarkably good girl.)
The points and the league
Three times last year, Stephanie traveled internationally. Didn’t you? And all three of those trips won her some major Christian Brownie Points for her score card. Good girls like Stephanie earn a massive number of Christian Brownie Points every year—way more than us ordinary people. Good girls like Stephanie aren’t just everyday good; they’re epically good. They’re in a different league altogether: The Better-Than-You-Could-Ever-Dream-of-Being League. But don’t take my word for it. Take Stephanie’s.
International trip #1
In March, Stephanie and her husband Seymour traveled with a group from our church to visit the three children they sponsor thru Compassion International. Paragraph 3, the longest paragraph, detailed their difficulties in getting to Ecuador. In this 180-word paragraph, Stephanie barfed all over her audience about their flight cancellation, carpooling, missing two subsequent flights, and taking “an eight-hour ride on a charter bus across the Andes mountains!” How did she end her longest paragraph? “Much of that trip was on winding mountain roads in the rain. I probably would have been nervous, but I was so exhausted at that point that I slept through most of the drive.” Right. Make sure you feel sorry for Stephanie, the world traveler. It’s “Feel Sorry for the Narcissist” time.
Let’s not forget the statistics and the sales pitch from International Trip #1. “This church has had a huge impact on its community. The town… did not have an evangelical presence before its establishment. Now 350 children and their families are being touched in significant ways. Compassion International is truly “Releasing children from poverty in Jesus’ name.”” How good of Stephanie to include Compassion International’s tagline in her Christmas letter. What a remarkable ambassador and an unrivaled good girl. Add some brownie points to her score card.
And because Christian Brownie Points are even more important than Travel Brownie Points, Stephanie ended her coverage of International Trip #1 with an important reminder for her adoring fans. “The pictures of all three kids [we sponsor thru Compassion International] are on the back of our Christmas card.” We just received our marching orders from the narcissist. “It’s check-out-my-awesome-Christmas-card time.” Sure thing, Steph. It’s all about you; and you’re the boss of us.
International trip #2
What about Stephanie’s second international trip? “Upon our return we were able to attend a two-year birthday party for [our grandson] before leaving again on a river cruise with our dear friends, the What’s-Its. We took a Tulips and Windmills cruise in the Netherlands and Belgium.” Yes, Peaceful Readers—everyone needs to know the name of their cruise line. (That was part of Stephanie’s sales pitch.) Details about Stephanie’s World are so important to everyone who’s anyone. Stephanie won Christian Brownie Points from this trip because they visited the Corrie Ten Boom house and the Anne Frank house—well-known Christian authors from the holocaust. Go, Stephanie! You are the best Christian in town.
International trip #3
Stephanie travels far and wide to witness to Muslims because she’s a world-class good girl. Don’t take my word for it. Take Stephanie’s. “In late July, Seymour and I headed back to Switzerland for the same outreach we participated in the last two summers. It was fun to have two local couples join us – one couple has been our friends for several years and the other are new friends. At least one of the couples is planning to return with us in 2026. Our team shared the gospel 269 times and gave away 236 Bibles and New Testaments to people from restricted access countries.” Stephanie absolutely must receive proper credit on her Best Christian in Town score card, don’t you know. Therefore, Stephanie’s fans must know (1) how many times they’ve taken this mission trip, (2) how many friends they have in Switzerland, (3) when they’ll be returning, (4) how many times they shared the gospel, and (5) how many Bibles they gave out. Without all these essential statistics, how will everyone come remotely close to comprehending the appropriate adoration to bestow on Stupendous Stephanie—the very best good girl ever?
Check out how Stephanie ended her coverage of International Trip #3. “The front of our card gives you a few glimpses of this trip.” Translation: “Snap to, underlings. Look at my photos and tell me how great I am.”
Interestingly enough, Stephanie visited our life group last month to describe some training at our church about how to witness to Muslims. Seeing her gave me the creeps.
The Christian résumé
While we’ve obviously been perusing Stephanie’s Christian résumé throughout her epic travels, there’s so much more to share. But don’t take my word for it. Take Stephanie’s word in paragraph 9: “Seymour and I continue to teach English as a Second Language. This fall our enrollment has seen about a 50% increase, so both of us have larger classes than past years. …In addition to leading our life group at church, we taught a class on cross-cultural witnessing in the spring and I co-led a women’s book study in our home during the summer.” Give the unrivaled good girl a trophy. (See part 1 for my pointed—I mean cutting—remarks about Christian trophies.) Obviously, Matthew 6:1-4 isn’t high on Stephanie’s Bible study, small group or scripture memorization to-do list.
What do we see in paragraph 9, Peaceful Readers? More bragging. Yet another statistic. I’m rolling my eyes in complete disgust. Heavy sigh. Apparently, the expert Christian—Stephanie, that is—forgot about pride being the granddaddy of The Seven Deadly Sins. Perhaps she justifies her pompous showboating by declaring that she’s simply sharing the facts. Those facts included mentioning the Christian day camp her two St. Louis grandchildren attended when they visited in town—the ever-popular and expensive Pine Cove.
Miscellaneous
The unmentionables
Stephanie’s three children and two of her four grandchildren were mentioned by name only once. Her two St. Louis grandchildren—the ones she traveled to see and who traveled here—got mentioned three times. (Travel is a big deal in Stephanie’s World.)
Only one of Seymour’s six grandchildren got mentioned in Stephanie’s letter, but only because Stephanie earned Christian Brownie Points when she attended the child’s baptism. I guess Seymour’s other five grandchildren didn’t make the grade. Neither did Seymour’s children. Interestingly enough, Stephanie didn’t actually share any information about her own children, other than the birth of Stephanie’s new grandchild. Given what little I read of Stephanie’s past Christmas letters, I’m presuming that her children told her years ago to stop barfing up details about their personal lives to her ever-expanding mailing list, which now stretches to Switzerland. Stephanie complained to me once that her younger daughter won’t tell her anything. I wonder why…. Personally, I can relate to that. I wrote about my discomfort talking to my parents in The Book Report section in this post.
Stephanie mentioned going to all of her grandchildren’s birthday parties. For example: “Later that month we traveled to St. Louis to celebrate Matthew’s 10th birthday, attending his party at a Lego store.” Yes, everyone on Planet Earth needs to know where Stephanie’s grandson’s birthday party took place. Good grief. What about Seymour’s children and grandchildren? Didn’t Seymour and Stephanie attend at least some of the birthday parties for his children and grandchildren? Aren’t they worth mentioning too? Apparently not.
Signing off and TMI
Stephanie’s Best-Ever Christmas Letter was signed, “Seymour and Stephanie.” Why in the world did she type Seymour’s name first, given that his children and grandchildren only earned one mention out of 970 words? Stephanie typed Seymour first to earn Christian Brownie Points. She knows the husband’s intended role, biblically-speaking, as the leader of the family. Based on what I know about Stephanie, I call the signature line either some well-trained rule following or a fine example of modern-day, Christian virtue signaling. What a respectful and humble narcissist.
What else falls into the miscellaneous category from this ridiculously-long Christmas letter filled with unnecessary, superfluous, “everything you never wanted to know” details from Stephanie’s World? Paragraph 10. But don’t take my word for it. Take Stephanie’s. “In September we had our guest bathroom remodeled. It finally got updated from its original 1992 décor of jewel-toned paisley wallpaper and a shell-shaped sink. Our decorator friend, Petunia, helped me pick out the paint, tile, vanity, etc. and it was so fun to see it all come together.”
I don’t know about you, but my eyes are bugging out of my head. Truly.
The violence
One of the 8 warning signs for violence is called “too many details.” (In part 1, Stephanie displayed 4 other warning signs.) Think of this letter—especially its “too many details”—as an emotional, mental, social and spiritual boxing match. And we didn’t have any gloves on. Everything was one-sided. We were thrust into the boxing ring, not having any idea about what was coming. After punching every reader for 970 words, 13 paragraphs and 10 long, painful “too many details” boxing rounds, Super Stephanie—The Narcissistic Heavyweight Champion of the World—eventually fired a knockout punch by signing her letter, and finally put us all out of our misery.
Remember—most violence is emotional.
The messages and the damage
What made Stephanie’s Christmas letter violent? The pervasive self-centeredness; the inappropriate, excessive details; the epic bragging—I mean showboating. The 970 words! The utter, catastrophic absence of respectful, healthy boundaries.
Narcissists like Stephanie communicate their core messages loud and clear: “I matter; you don’t.” “I’m important; you’re not.” “I’m exceptional; you’re ordinary (or pathetic).” “My time and resources are valuable; yours aren’t.” “Tell me how great I am.” “Worship/validate/serve me accordingly.”
All the core narcissistic messages are lies,
causing untold damage to other people—
emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually.
Christmas greetings—or not
Apparently, I’m not with the program in modern America. I thought the purpose of a Christmas card was to wish the recipient a Merry Christmas. I thought the focus was supposed to be on the person receiving the greeting. In other words, “I’m thinking of you. We care about you.” Call me old fashioned. The old Christmas favorite says: “We wish you a Merry Christmas,” not “Look at the professional photo we took on our Hawaiian vacation.” The word you wasn’t left out back in the day.
The historic and rightful purpose of a Christmas card isn’t
“Hey! Hey! Look at me! Look at us! Aren’t we the best?”
I guess Stephanie didn’t get the memo.
We vs. you
Did Stephanie’s vast audience get any attention in Stephanie’s Narcissistic Christmas Letter? Let’s see…. She used personal pronouns 52 times (we, our, I and me). Ha! That’s one personal pronoun for every week of the year. That cracks me up.
How many times did Stephanie write the word you?
Three times.
The expression
Here’s the breakdown. (1) “Highlights of this trip included …seeing the Keukenhof Gardens in full bloom with every color and variety of tulips that you can imagine.” (I’m rolling my eyes again.) I don’t think the phrase “that you can imagine” has anything to do with us. It’s all about Stephanie, yet again.
The expectations
(2) “The front of our card gives you a few glimpses of this trip.” This particular use of the word you includes some unspoken expectations from The All-Wonderful and All-Powerful Stephanie. Her vast audience is expected to do these four things: Look slowly and carefully at her mission trip photos; think oh-so-highly of her; mention Stephanie to others; and give her proper praise the next time we have contact. This isn’t a Christmas wish. It’s a Christmas command for praise and adoration. And don’t you forget it.
More Christmas commands
Stephanie closes her letter in paragraph 13 with instructions. (3) “As you enjoy the Christmas season, take time to spend with the One whom we celebrate and meditate on what His coming means.”
Since we’re obviously stupid and don’t know what Christmas is about, Stephanie is here to tell us what to do—not once, but twice. “Spend time with Jesus and think about what his birth means.” Yes, ma’am. Whatever you say, Stellar Stephanie. I had no idea what Christmas was about or how I should prioritize my time this month. What would I do without your wise counsel and vital instructions? Let me bow down at your feet for straightening me out.
Well, Peaceful Readers, my Frankie Ann Sass is flowing today. I couldn’t help it. Stephanie, The Spider sucks the life out of people. She totally wears me out, as the saying goes.
Your turn
Earlier in today’s post, I wrote: “In addition to calling Stephanie The Good Girl, we can call her The Church Lady.”
Do you know anyone who serves, speaks or performs in/for the church or does community service or lives for social justice and also has control and/or boundary issues? Problems with empathy? A need for attention or validation? Does this person talk frequently about his or her good deeds or current project(s)? How stable, deep and peaceful are this person’s personal relationships? Think about it. Are you dealing with The Church Lady or Gentleman? Are you dealing with someone who could be called The King or Queen of ____________ [community organization]? The Social Justice Warrior Extraordinaire?
If so, write down some memorable facts and experiences about this individual. Then put the puzzle pieces together. What do the facts and your experiences tell you? Have you been encountering a communal type of narcissist? They can fly under the radar due to their “good deeds.” Be watchful. Pray for discernment. And beware.
Closing
Don’t get me wrong. Good deeds are good. But perhaps our definition of “good” is flawed. The heart condition behind the good deeds matters to God, so it should matter to us.
While I’m very thankful that I learned about Stephanie’s flavor of narcissism—the communal flavor—I dearly hope this is the final installment of The Good Girl. But if Stephanie clobbers me again with some juicy narcissistic “goodness,” I may be encouraged by the Holy Spirit to dive into part 3.
Time will tell….
Coming next
Maybe it’s time to take a walk through God’s promises. We’ll see. Until next time, thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Closing word and song
“The Throne” by Abriele Cole & “Of Valor”
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