Esther—the prelude
This post reminds me of the old game show, “Truth or Consequences.” Today on Choosing Peace, you’ll read about a party, doors and a merry-go-round, plus a whole lot more.
The backdrop and the party
The book of Esther begins around 483 BC at a party of epic proportions. King Xerxes of Persia, also known as Ahasuerus, ruled a vast empire from India to the Upper Nile. His capital city, Susa, was located in modern-day Iran. During the third year of his reign, he threw a seven-day banquet for everyone—great and small—in the citadel of Susa. Each man drank wine from a golden goblet—as much as he wanted. Simultaneously, Queen Vashti threw a banquet for the women in the palace.
On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded… the seven eunuchs who served [him], to bring Vashti the queen before the king [wearing her] royal crown, to show the people and the officials her beauty; for she was beautiful. But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by the eunuchs. Therefore the king was very angry, and his anger burned in him.
Esther 1:10-12, New Heart English Bible
Buh-bye, Queen V
Needless to say, Queen Vashti’s refusal to come to the king—publicly disrespecting and humiliating him—did not go over well. At all. King Xerxes consulted his top seven advisors—“wise men, who knew the times” (Esther 1:13b, NHEB). Word of the queen’s refusal would spread like wildfire, so one of the advisors recommended that Queen Vashti be deposed and replaced by someone better. King Xerxes and his nobles agreed with this plan. The king sent letters throughout his kingdom, in everyone’s native language, “that every man should rule his own house” (Esther 1:22b, NHEB). Vashti’s disrespect would not be allowed to impact every household.
Hmmm. Is that all we need to know about Queen Vashti? Perhaps not. This article will shed some shocking light into her backstory.
The fall
What’s up with this husband/wife conflict thing? Let’s go back to the very beginning—to Adam and Eve, the first husband and wife.
Sin
Before God created Eve, he told Adam the rules in the Garden of Eden. Adam could eat from any tree in the garden except for The Tree of The Knowledge of Good and Evil. Adam later shared this information with his wife. Eve was deceived by the serpent and ate the forbidden fruit. She handed some of this fruit to Adam and he ate it—knowing full well what it was.
Blame
When God confronted Adam for his willful disobedience, Adam blamed his wife—and God. The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate” (Genesis 3:12, NHEB). In other words, “God, my sin is Eve’s fault because she handed me the forbidden fruit. Since it was her idea, I’m not responsible for eating it. She’s the one who screwed up; I was just being agreeable. And—really—you shouldn’t have given her to me. If you hadn’t done that, none of this would’ve happened. So, in the end, this is actually your fault, God.” Right.
Consequences
After that, God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. Sin caused The Fall.
Here’s a quick recap. “Eve sinned. Adam sinned. Adam threw Eve under the bus. And he threw God under the bus. God threw them out of paradise and into a fallen world.” Ugh. Then things got really tough.
To dig a little more into this important event, read this Got Questions article: “Why is Adam blamed for the fall of humanity when Eve sinned first?” Hint: Adam’s role and responsibilities in the family had everything to do with it. Roles and responsibilities also had everything to do with what went down between King Xerxes and Queen Vashti. We’ll check out roles and responsibilities later in this post.
Blame and excuses
When Adam was busted, he blamed his wife and God. Why did he do that? Closer to home, why do we do that? Why?
Peaceful Readers, it’s time for a detour from the two couples—King Xerxes and Queen Vashti and Adam and Eve. Let’s explore blame and excuses—common tools of the trade in marriages and other relationships throughout time.
Closely related
The Blame Game is very closely related to The Excuse Merry-Go-Round. They’re BFFs (Best Friends Forever). When someone’s unhappy with us, we can automatically whip out The Blame Thrower or The Excuse Bomb to deflect the other person’s emotions, can’t we? We want the person we disobeyed, hurt, disrespected, ignored, disappointed, etc., to be unhappy with someone else. Or we want that person to believe we had a really good reason for saying no or screwing up.
Lies and doors
To get ourselves out of hot water, we can be quite skilled at choosing either The Lie Behind Door #1 or The Lie Behind Door #2. (I’m dating myself here. Those door expressions come from another old game show—“Let’s Make a Deal.”)
The blame game
Door #1 is The Blame Game. What is The Lie Behind Door #1? “I’m not responsible for what I did or failed to do. Someone else is.” The Nazis tried that lie at the Nuremberg Trials and it didn’t go so well for them. Here’s a translation for The Blame Game: “It’s not my fault. It’s so-and-so’s fault. Since it’s not my fault, you should be mad at, disappointed in or totally fed up with him/her/them instead of me. And, because it’s really so-and-so’s fault, not mine, I absolutely, positively don’t deserve any consequences or punishment.” Nice try.
You play, you lose
Adam played The Blame Game with God and he lost. Big time. God is not stupid. In fact, he’s all-knowing and perfect. When we play The Blame Game with God, we lose every time. That reminds me of this important truth.
Do not be deceived. God is not mocked,
for whatever a person sows, that he will also reap.
Galatians 6:7, New Heart English Bible
The tap dance and the truth
In other words, if you play with fire, you’ll get burned. There are consequences in this life—even though the peeps at Disney work tirelessly to convince us otherwise. Disney’s non-stop tap dance goes like this: “Follow your heart and everything will turn out blissfully happy,” which is the G-rated, sugary-sweet version of “If it feels good, do it.” I’m rolling my eyes and shaking my head—a two-for-one, yet again.
Following your heart—when your heart isn’t earnestly seeking and obeying God—can result in unmitigated disaster. Don’t I know it. Here’s the truth about our hearts—and a tip from Yours Truly: Follow God. He’ll never steer you wrong.
The excuse merry-go-round
Okay, Peaceful Readers. Door #1 was The Blame Game. Door #2 is The Excuse Merry-Go-Round. What is The Lie Behind Door #2? “I have a really good reason for saying no or screwing up, so you shouldn’t be mad at me.”
Fueled by people-pleasing
Let’s do a little rewind and repeat from this post about people-pleasing.
During his series on The Ten Commandments, our preacher mentioned this quote from evangelist Billy Sunday, and it stuck with me. “An excuse is a skin of a reason stuffed with a lie.” Yes, indeed.
People-Pleasers make excuses. Instead of telling the truth—a la “I forgot,” “I was wrong,” “I changed my mind,” “I shouldn’t have said yes,” “I’m really sorry”—we make up an excuse so we don’t look bad or “hurt so-and-so’s feelings.” And we think we’re such nice people. When we’re trapped in People-Pleasing, we’re prideful (“I must appear to be good, even when I’m not”), we lie to ourselves and we lie to other people. More than we realize. Like I said, the devil loves People-Pleasers.
Cover-ups and examples
Excuses are basically cover-ups for why we said yes when we should’ve said no, why we didn’t show up, why we were late, why we’re canceling, why we’re quitting, why we’re declining, etc. Excuses always include a lie.
A valid reason is one thing.
An excuse is something else altogether.
Remember, “An excuse is a skin of a reason stuffed with a lie.”
Common excuses include, “I’m busy” (…doing nothing worthwhile). “Something came up” (…on TV). “I’m sick” (…because I sneezed today). “I’m tired” (…but that’s not really the issue). “I’m not available” (…because I don’t want to be available). “I’ll be out of town” (…two blocks away). “I have to work” (…on something-or-other). “I have an appointment” (…with my couch). “Sorry I can’t make it” (…when I’m not remotely sorry at all). “I have a family commitment” (…with my dog who’s snoring over yonder). Blah, blah, blah. I used to make excuses. I’ve been making a concerted effort in recent years to stop doing that. Excuses are lies.
The truth vs. the spin
When I was invited to a shopping party the other day, I told the truth. “I hate shopping. No, thanks.” I think the recipient of my truth-telling was a little taken aback. I understand that. Some people think lying—I mean taking a spin on The Excuse Merry-Go-Round—is more polite. Personally, I’m sick of lies, politeness and political correctness. I vastly prefer the truth. That’s the way I roll, peeps.
Heavy sigh. Thanks for joining me as we explored The Blame Game and The Excuse Merry-Go-Round. Games and merry-go-rounds sound like fun, but those two are big-time trouble.
Leadership and strength
The book of Esther begins with the end of someone’s marriage. King Xerxes ordered his wife: “Come down here.” It wasn’t a casual, no-big-deal, whatever-you-want-to-do-is-fine-with-me invitation. It was a command—a very public summons—from the king. And Queen Vashti said: “No.”
Some of the conflict in marriage comes from confusion—not knowing or understanding our God-given roles and responsibilities. Other conflict comes from understanding our roles and responsibilities and refusing to live them. In other words, some of our marriage conflict can come from ignorance or willful disobedience. That reminds me of Adam and Eve.
Direction
This goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. Every group needs leadership. Every group needs workers. Every group needs someone to cast the vision—the direction. Every group needs someone or some people who implement that vision. Who casts the vision for the family? God does. Secondarily to God—in humble, servant leadership—the husband does.
Marching forward
God created marriage and family, so he knows his design for marriages and families. One man. One woman.
Think of God as the benevolent emperor, the husband as his top general and the wife as the captain. To march forward in strength, everyone needs to know his or her role and job. Why the military analogy? Because there is danger out there. There is good and evil. Remember the tree in the garden? The Tree of The Knowledge of Good and Evil….
To explore the concept of battling evil, see this section in the Index: Warfare—Spiritual and Psychological.
Family 101: God’s way
What is a man’s role in the family? What is a woman’s role in the family? Where do we go for answers to these vital questions? We go to God’s word and to solid resources explaining God’s word.
These articles from Got Questions are outstanding.
♦ What is biblical manhood?
♦ What is biblical womanhood?
♦ What are the roles of the husband and wife in a family?
♦ How does one handle conflict in a marriage?
♦ Why should I get married? (Key sentence: “Stable families create stable societies.”)
♦ What does the Bible say about Christian fathers?
♦ What does the Bible say about Christian mothers?
See this post from the Grieving series for more about Family 101 with some Frankie Ann flair.
Roles and responsibilities
Many of us experienced a difficult or abusive childhood and/or marriage. Regardless of our past experiences, the concepts below will remind us of God’s good design. I hope these truths will encourage you about God’s love for you.
Man: Created to lead
by protecting and providing
Man was created to lead his family—physically, spiritually, mentally. That is his primary role. His core responsibilities are to protect and provide.
The door and the floor
The man of the house was created to be the gatekeeper. Whether a man is single or married, young or old, with or without children, his first responsibility is to protect. (A single man is a family of one.) He determines what gets in the house and what doesn’t get in. He was created to protect his family from harm—physically, spiritually, mentally. In this way, the man is The Door for his family.
Jesus called himself The Door. To dig into protection on a deeper level, watch this amazing short film, “The Soul Shepherd.”
Man was also created to provide for his family, so I call him The Floor. Does the family have something to stand, sit and sleep on? The man of the house—The Floor—was created to provide these things. Does the family have a roof overhead? Food and water? Clothing?
On a deeper level, is the family’s foundation on rock or sand? As the spiritual leader of the family, the Christian husband/father gives spiritual instruction and shows the love of Jesus in daily living. Jesus is strong and kind. Be blessed by the song “Jesus, Strong and Kind” by City Alight.
Woman: Created to tend
by nurturing and nesting
Woman was created to tend her family—physically, spiritually, mentally. That is her primary role. Her core responsibilities are to nurture and nest.
The heart and the hands
The woman of the house was created to nurture life in her family. (A single woman is a family of one.) While not all women will become mothers, we know God created a woman’s body with the ability to nourish babies before they’re born and to hold and feed babies after they’re born. The woman was created to love, nurture and provide emotional care by feeding her family; giving and receiving warm, appropriate hugs and kisses; speaking the truth in love; teaching and disciplining children (with the husband/father being the leader); listening; giving wise counsel; comforting; helping; and building strong, healthy relationships. The woman is The Heart of the family.
Woman was also created to make a house into a home through nesting, so I call her The Hands. Cooking, cleaning, organizing, washing clothes, giving children age-appropriate jobs, gathering food and other basics (via gardening, sewing and/or shopping), doctoring injuries, etc.
Nurturing and nesting come together when a family eats at home around the table. Praying together, talking, looking each other in the eye, knowing how each other’s day went, eating, laughing, sharing life. There’s nothing like a meal around the table.
The Christian woman weaves spiritual truths into her nurturing and nesting, showing the love of Jesus in daily living.
Working out marriage roles and responsibilities
No two families are identical. In families headed by a married couple, the husband and wife decide who does what—either in a planned, haphazard, difficult or unspoken way. Healthy communication is vital. He may do the cooking. She may do the yardwork. When one spouse isn’t shouldering some of his or her responsibilities—by choice or not—the other spouse usually picks up the slack. Have you experienced any challenges in this area? Seasons of life when things changed? You’re in good company.
Where we are weak, God is strong. Where we are confused, he is certain. Seek God in prayer faithfully for your marriage. If you aren’t married, pray and ask God to strengthen other people’s marriages—by name.
When responsibilities aren’t met
If protection, provision, loving care and/or healthy relationships are missing in a family, the result will be abuse and/or neglect—whether physical, sexual, emotional and/or spiritual. Also, the evil of the world—wrong thinking and living—will slither into the house with the intention of warping minds, mutilating bodies and/or captivating spirits. Read this post about the darkness and the occult. It includes a wonderful turning-point song.
Propaganda about marriage
Mainstream media has maligned marriage—expressing its hatred with increasing ferocity throughout my lifetime. And they did it skillfully, with baby steps. They started sweetly and “innocently,” with lots of laughs. In Mayberry—the home of “The Andy Griffith Show”—no one was married. All the adults were single, and everyone was blissfully happy. Then came “Three’s Company,” “Friends” and oh-so-much more. Have sex with whoever looks good to you today. Live together. It’s no big deal. Everybody’s doing it. The Disney version tells everyone: “Follow your heart.” The adult version says: “You do you.” Who needs marriage?
Hollywood pushed many, many lies about marriage to convince Americans that marriage is an old-fashioned institution devoid of blessings. They said constantly: “It’s just a piece of paper.” They lied. Sadly, Hollywood’s propaganda worked on many, many people, with serious fall-out for our people, our families, our children and our nation.
Out of shadows
Watch this amazing documentary, “Out of Shadows,” by former Hollywood insider Mike Smith to start grasping the darkness of Hollywood, Disney and much, much more. It’s essential watching for adults. (Not for children.) I’ve watched it twice. The first time, I was totally blown away. The second time, I understood much more.
The truth
God created marriage and family for our good. He designed marriage and parenting to bless us individually and to bless our world. For truth and encouragement about marriage and The Good Way, read The Armor of God, part 1. Make no mistake. Satan and his demons work night and day to ruin marriages, families and societies. What can you do today to strengthen your family—even if you’re a family of one?
Pray and ask God to show you. Listen to his voice. And be strengthened by the song below.
Coming next: In part 6, we’ll explore how regular, everyday Esther became Queen Esther. How was God working? How will this segment of Esther’s story speak into current events? Come back next time. Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Blessed by truth and music
Peaceful Readers, I’m deeply blessed by God’s word and music. I hope the scripture and song that I share at the end of each post will bless you too.
Truth from The Word: Psalm 85:8
Song: “I’m Listening” by Chris McClarney, featuring Hollyn