The final flavor of denial
Today on Choosing Peace, you’ll read about Jesus, nicknames and a game.
The deep dive into denial
So far in this post, Tearing Down the Barriers to Forgiving, we’ve been digging into denial—a rather complex issue. As I read various books, I discovered The Four Flavors of Denial rearing their ugly heads again and again. And I saw them in my own life. In the Grieving series, a number of posts dealt with different traumas. Those posts each mentioned a trauma in the title, like The Trauma of Perfection, The Trauma of Child Abuse, etc. Each title ended with this expression: From Denial to Healing.
Why have we been taking this deep dive into denial? Because denial keeps us from dealing with traumas, losses and problems. It keeps us stuck in the past and/or in perpetual dysfunction, and often keeps us from acknowledging the forgiving we need to do. We ignore things, we make excuses or justify ourselves, we team up with our homies, and sometimes—as we’ll discover today—we make jokes about things that aren’t remotely funny.
The dream and the darkness
We’re exploring denial through examples in slavery, war, abortion and sick families. The nightmare I had early this morning testifies to the darkness of The Four Flavors of Denial. In my dream, I was in a home-like setting where a woman was taking care of many children. Men came in and shot her and three of the children. The woman and the children who were shot were black. The other children were on the floor, sitting along the wall, crying inconsolably. The 1800s slavery and World War 2 scenes and stories merged in my dream. (If you’d like to learn more about dreams and nightmares, walk thru the Dreams section in the index.)
These issues are painful, Peaceful Readers. My heart feels heavy today. Thank you for staying with me through these hard, dark posts. For a quick intro to the first three flavors of denial, see the beginning of the last post. The time has come to dig into the fourth and final flavor of denial. Heavy sigh.
The fourth flavor
Name: Gallows Humor
Flavor: Butter Pecan
Nickname: The Comedian
Core message: “Because it’s funny, it’s not a problem.”
Why the ice cream flavor Butter Pecan? Because it’s sweet and salty—a mix of opposites. We love that combination, don’t we? I remember when chocolate-dipped pretzels came on the scene. Mm, mm, mmmm.
The “what” and the “where”
Gallows Humor includes the obvious—macabre, dark humor. It also includes nicknames, songs and games.
If you’ve ever worked or lived in a setting that involves violence, death or the destruction of humanity, you know a little about Gallows Humor. Here are some of the jobs or settings: Police, fire, paramedic; abusive family; morgue; military; gang; emergency room, cancer ward, ICU, etc.; the sex trade; espionage; nursing home or memory care facility; violent crime; funeral home or cemetery; abortion clinic; prison; child or adult protective services; body mutilation center; law office or social work (depending on the types of cases); civil unrest; criminal organ harvesting; counseling; war zone; psychiatric unit; slavery; care for the severely disabled; hospice; satanic/occult.
A coping mechanism
When violence, death or destruction is a common part of your world—at work or at home—one of the commonly-used coping mechanisms is to make light of it. To joke. To laugh. To use clever nicknames.
The laughter fix
The Bible tells us laughter is good medicine. What does laughter do for us physically? It reduces stress hormones and increases feel-good hormones in our bodies. Check out this article. That’s one of the reasons why we use Gallows Humor in high-stress settings filled with violence, death and/or destruction. (Remember, Peaceful Readers: Violence includes emotional violence.)
Avoidance and lies
We use Gallows Humor to lighten up a very heavy reality and to make ourselves feel better physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, Gallows Humor keeps us in A State of Denial, where we don’t fully acknowledge and/or deal with the danger or death in the room—emotionally or spiritually. We use humor to avoid the gravity of the situation.
The core message of Gallows Humor says it all: “Because it’s funny, it’s not a problem.” Denial is all about lies, so Gallows Humor—one of The Four Flavors of Denial—is a serious problem. When we’re using Gallows Humor, we’re using humor wrongly. We’re in a situation that isn’t the least bit funny. And we’re replacing the truth with a lie.
Gallows Humor masks the trauma and/or the evil that’s ever near.
Let’s explore examples of Gallows Humor in war, abortion and sick families. Some of the examples will be jokes, while others will be nicknames, songs or games. Interestingly enough, both the perpetrators and their targets use Gallows Humor.
Metonyms and nicknames
Before we dig into Gallows Humor, let’s think about metonyms and nicknames. A metonym is a word picture. Jesus frequently used metonyms to help us picture the truth in our minds and, ultimately, in our hearts. He called himself The Door, The Bread of Life, The Vine and my favorite—The Good Shepherd. (Watch this beautiful short film: Jesus, The Soul Shepherd.) He called us sheep. He called evil people wolves and snakes. Jesus wasn’t using humor wrongly, as we do in the case of Gallows Humor. He was painting a picture for us. An essential picture. Remember this: Jesus never lied. He always spoke the truth and brought clarity. As a matter of fact, the scriptures and song at the end of this post show us the metonym “living water.” I think you’ll like all the word pictures found there. Did Jesus use nicknames? Yes, he did. He gave his disciples James and John the nickname Sons of Thunder.
Back in the day
When I was growing up, I ate a lot. My dad used to call me The Bottomless Pit. That metonym didn’t bother me. I thought it was funny. It was a vivid, clever word picture. Was I overweight since I ate a lot? Nope. I grew up in an era before video games and television shows/movies on demand, smartphones, social media, etc. Back in the olden days, we played outside. And my mom cooked our meals from scratch. We didn’t eat mass-produced, questionably-sourced food out of boxes and bags. I’ll get off that soap box, but for more about Modern Realities 101, watch “Food, Inc.” and the other documentaries recommended in this post. If you haven’t read all the posts about Esther, start with The Beauty of the Bible, part 5 and continue thru part 10. Those six posts are filled with biblical truths and important truths about current events.
Good or bad?
Where was I? Oh, yes. Metonyms and nicknames. Does it matter whether we call something a nickname or a metonym? Nope. They’re very similar. I tend to use the word nicknames for this figure of speech. Nicknames can be good, neutral, bad—or they can slip into Gallows Humor, which is dark.
When we need to evaluate a nickname, we need to consider these questions. Does this nickname communicate truth or lies? Does it help bring clarity or does it bring confusion or destruction? Does this nickname mask a serious problem? Does this nickname keep me in A State of Denial?
We’ll dig more into nicknames shortly, in the section on war.
The Absence of Gallows Humor in slavery
In the book When I Was a Slave, several former 1800s slaves used word pictures to describe their oppressors. That reminds me of when Jesus called the Pharisees a brood of vipers. Slavery was obviously a high-stress reality filled with violence, death and destruction. Why do we not see Gallows Humor in slavery? That’s a good question.
The rock, the trick and the end
You may remember part of this story from an earlier post. Mary Armstrong* was born into slavery in St. Louis. When Mary was four years old, the mistress of the farm beat her nine-month-old baby sister to death for crying. Mary called her mistress “Old Polly devil.” Later, Mary was purchased by Miss Olivia, the wicked owner’s benevolent daughter. When Mary was 10 years old, Old Polly Devil came to Miss Olivia’s to whip Mary in the yard. Mary threw a rock at her and busted her eyeball. Mary told Old Polly Devil that’s what she got for whipping her “baby sister to death.” Miss Olivia hoped her mother “learnt her lesson.” Peaceful Readers, I consider it a miracle that Mary lived to tell this story. I’m glad she did.
Anthony Dawson* described “a devil on earth”—a white man who’d take what a slave brought to barter for his freedom and then pointed the slave in the direction of the patrollers so the slave was caught or shot.
Master Sam and his mother, Old Miss, were cruel to their slaves—cussing, threatening, whipping. No preaching, no praying, no singing allowed. Tines Kendricks* called Master Sam “a child of de devil.” Master Sam got shot in the Civil War, and even on his deathbed, “he cussed to de last.”
*Interviews with Mary Armstrong (p. 5), Anthony Dawson (p. 26), and Tines Kendricks (p. 83-85), When I Was a Slave.
Strong on faith
Each of those nicknames (or metonyms) included the word devil—and rightly so. Of the people interviewed in the 1930s and featured in When I Was a Slave, the vast majority of them testified to their Christian faith. Why did they not use Gallows Humor? The reality of good vs. evil and God vs. the devil kept them grounded in the truth. The slaves were not in denial about their situation, its gravity or its evil. They also lived in a culture that was strong on biblical truth, prayer, praise and worship. Truth wasn’t systematically and flagrantly replaced with lies, as we see so egregiously in our times. (See the Gender, Marriage and Current Events sections in the index.)
Gallows Humor in war—jokes, nicknames, a song and a game
During World War 2, the executioners used jokes and nicknames—Gallows Humor—as they worked for The Killing Machine—Nazi Germany. Yep. I just used a metonym. (I learned that word while I was writing this post.)
Mealtime mêlée
These three examples from World War 2 all pertain to food. Why? Hmmm.
Breakfast
A woman was visiting her husband—one of Reserve Police Battalion 101’s lieutenants. In Ordinary Men*, author Christopher Browning included her testimony1 about one of “the eager killers.” The woman and her husband were eating breakfast in the garden—doesn’t that sound posh? A policeman in the platoon came up, stood at attention, and told his lieutenant that he hadn’t had breakfast yet. The lieutenant looked at him, confused. The man said he hadn’t “killed any Jews” yet. The lieutenant’s wife “reprimanded” him and called him “a scoundrel.” Her husband sent the man away, “reproached” her and told her she’d get into “deep trouble” for saying those things. Translation: “Referring to the murderous, systematic execution of unarmed people as your “breakfast” (i.e., essential sustenance to begin the day) was normal. Finding that expression heinous was cause for serious punishment.” The lieutenant’s wife wasn’t being a team player. That reminds me of Us vs. Them—the third flavor of denial. I digress.
Lunch
While they were eating lunch, one of the men’s “comrades made jokes” about their experiences in that day’s shooting action. One of the policemen said they were eating Jews’ brains for lunch. Everyone except the man who related the story2 thought it was absolutely “hilarious.”
Daily bread
During one of the last phases of The Final Solution in Poland, these Ordinary Men executed Jews who were hiding in forests in underground bunkers. They called these forest sweeps and executions “the Jew hunt.” Two of the men testified that they called these relentless hunter-and-prey, face-to-face executions3 “our daily bread.” This nickname is particularly insidious. Jesus’ own words from The Lord’s Prayer were stolen and used to joke about the genocide of the Jewish people—Jesus’ people, God’s chosen people.
Gallows Humor.
Read more about genocide here.
*Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland by Christopher Browning.
1: p. 127; 2: p. 128; 3: p. 126.
Why food?
Why did these Ordinary Men—these hardened executioners—consistently use food jokes and nicknames in their Gallows Humor—one of their flavors of denial? Why food? Think of this expression: “You are what you eat.” I think they were saying, “We eat dead Jews. That is who we are. We are The Killing Machine. And they are our food.” (Us vs. Them.)
That makes me shudder.
Nicknames—the good and the bad
Nicknames can be a good thing. Champ for an athlete. Chef for someone in your family who cooks or bakes. Honey, Sweetheart or Sugar for a beloved. My pal Charlene and I call each other Soul Sister. We got that expression from a speaker at a ladies’ dinner at her old church. I love that. Nicknames can also be extremely hurtful, like Fatso or Trash or Pig.
The jokes and nicknames used in Gallows Humor show us a type of stealing or hijacking. The names for everyday or special things are hijacked and made into the names for dark, sinister things. When the men of Reserve Police Battalion 101 called the Jew hunt “our daily bread,” they stole the words for God’s loving provision and turned them into the words for mass murder and genocide. The words “our daily bread” tell us one of the primary ways God sustains the people he created. The hijacked, Gallows Humor version of “our daily bread” stands for the opposite—ending those very lives—violently and without remorse.
The harvest festival
When we think about harvest, most of us think about farms and food. Seeds that were planted and gardens that were tended finally give forth their wonderful bounty to sustain us. When we think of the word festival, we think of a large, joyful celebration by a whole community—whether it’s a church community, a school community or a larger community. I also think of the Feast of Weeks in the Bible. (Read this wonderful article from GotQuestions.org.)
In November of 1943, the men of Reserve Police Battalion 101 participated in an incomprehensible massacre*—“the single largest” mass murder operation against Jews in World War 2. They called it “harvest festival4.” The 45,000 Jewish men and women5 who remained alive in Poland because they’d been working in labor camps were to be “liquidated” like the rest of their families6. One of the policemen described this two-day massacre—the one called harvest festival—as “the most gruesome” thing7 he’d seen in his whole life. The bursts of machine gun fire only wounded many of the Jews, who were “buried alive” under the naked corpses of their brothers and sisters in the Jewish community.
Gallows Humor.
Evil. Heinous. Genocide.
*Ordinary Men by Christopher Browning.
4: p. 135; 5: p. 136; 6: p. 139; 7: p. 140-141.
A song, a game, joking and nicknames
Now we’ll explore the use of Gallows Humor by the targets or victims.
Treblinka* was a notorious extermination camp in Poland8, located 50 miles northeast of Warsaw. As they were marched away from Luków to their deaths, the Jews sang that they were “traveling to Treblinka9.”
Gallows Humor.
*Ordinary Men by Christopher Browning.
8: p. 88; 9: p. 111.
In A Train Near Magdeburg: A Teacher’s Journey Into the Holocaust*, author Matthew A. Rozell reveals the experiences of many people who survived the concentration camps and much more. Sara Gottdiener Atzmon was 11 years old when she arrived at Bergen-Belsen. She called the concentration camp “the University of Death.” The children made up a game1. They would bet each other about who would die tomorrow and who would die the next day. The children did all they could “to repress the despair,” so they joked about the misery and death instead2.
Irene Bleier Muskal called the Nazis “angels of death3.” She gave a powerful description of her arrival at Bergen-Belsen at age 17 and the impact of the suffering on her soul for many years, which impeded her feelings.4
Gallows Humor.
*A Train Near Magdeburg: A Teacher’s Journey Into the Holocaust by Matthew A. Rozell.
1: p. 41; 2: p. 42; 3: p. 72; 4: p. 40.
Gallows Humor in abortion—jokes and nicknames
In part 4, I related the story when the nurse and staff in an abortion clinic were joking because a young pro-lifer died. The abortion industry is filled with Gallows Humor.
In her book The Walls Are Talking*, former Planned Parenthood director Abby Johnson shares the unvarnished truth about the darkness behind closed doors in abortion clinics. An abortion doctor joked about the body parts of a baby he just aborted looking like barbecue1. Staff at Abby’s clinic sent baby-shaped cookies with red icing on them to the Coalition for Life workers next door2. Regulars at the abortion clinic were called “frequent flyers3.” What did the employees call the freezer that held the dead babies’ body parts? “The Nursery4.” To get in the building, employees entered numbers on the security keypad that corresponded with the word baby5. Translation: “We know the secret and you don’t.” When Abby got pregnant and was experiencing morning sickness, her colleagues made off-color comments about giving her “a freebie6.” Free abortions for employees are “the company car7” at Planned Parenthood.
Gallows Humor.
Evil. Heinous. Genocide.
*The Walls Are Talking: Former Abortion Clinic Workers Tell Their Stories by Abby Johnson with Kristin Detrow.
1 and 2: p. 34; 3: p. 71; 4 and 5: p. 34; 6: p. 125; 7: p. 122.
Gallows Humor in sick families—nicknames
If you’ve read Choosing Peace for long, you know that I too have used my share of nicknames. Our nickname for my sociopathic mother-in-law was Her Majesty, the Sadistic Control Freak. Is that actually Gallows Humor or just our Brandon and Frankie Ann Sassy-frass? I’m thinking it’s sass because my mother-in-law actually was a sadistic control freak. And she certainly considered herself worthy of being treated like royalty. That was her NPD rearing its ugly head (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
I called my family of origin “The Freak Show” and “The Silent Movie.” Is that Gallows Humor or just more sass? I think The Freak Show was a garden-variety, sass-induced nickname. On the other hand, The Silent Movie could be an example of Gallows Humor. A movie is supposed to be a good experience….
The key to ending gallows humor
Nicknames are good, if they’re helpful and truthful. In the Epilogue to the Sociopaths series, I made an important discovery.
From nicknames to no names
…Our use of nicknames changed drastically from the beginning of this journey to where we are now a year later. We started calling my mother-in-law Her Majesty, the Sadistic Control Freak last summer. After a time, we started calling her You know who or just Her. As time has passed, as we’ve healed and as we’ve become more and more detached from her and from the whole sociopathic family system, we refer to her and my sociopathic father-in-law less and less personally.
Read more here. This surprising and welcome evidence of healing marked the end of my mother-in-law’s nickname. The same thing happened with “the people in the house” where I grew up, as I dug into those relationships one at a time. When we reject our denial and do the work of grieving, unpacking our traumas and losses, we can naturally lay down certain nicknames and Gallows Humor—one of The Four Flavors of Denial. And that sure feels good. It really does.
Your turn
What nicknames do you use for people or places or seasons of your life? Do you use Gallows Humor? If so, what—or who—are you avoiding? Pray and ask God to show you what he wants you to do first, as you step out of denial and into The Healing Journey.
Coming next: Well, it’s time to answer the questions I asked at the beginning of part 2. Come back next time for some new questions and a prayer. Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: Jeremiah 2:12-13 and John 7:38
Song: “Living Water” by Shane & Shane
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