The door to fear
Today on Choosing Peace you’ll read about a cool breeze, a doorbell and letters.
Number 5
Near the end of the last post, I listed five things we can do to “ditch the sin of pride and embrace the virtue of humility.” Pray, serve, problem-solve, apologize and forgive. From part 7:
And, last but not least, (5) forgive others quickly, with no strings attached—treating them how you’d like to be treated. For clarity on the often-misunderstood issue of forgiving, walk slowly through the 12 parts of What Forgiving Is and Isn’t.
As we start digging into fear and anger today—two of the barriers to forgiving—we’ll consider how forgiving quickly can keep us from deteriorating further under the bondage of fear and/or anger.
Sister and brother emotions—fear and anger
Did you know that fear and anger are related? Think of them as a sister and brother. One usually comes before a problem and the other usually comes after. Often, fear is the belief that something bad will happen. Anger is a common response after something bad has happened. Here’s the problem. Sometimes our fear and anger originated in past events—past traumas. We act out these feelings in the present because they became cancerous in us long, long ago. So our perceptions of the here and now can be way outside reality—locked in the past.
A reminder about equilibrium
Some people’s present-day fear comes from living with someone else’s past-tense and ever-present anger. Let’s do a rewind and repeat from Questions and Answers, part 2.
An example—anger
For people whose natural emotional reality is A State of Anger, they’ll find things to be angry about in the here and now. Obsessing—I mean stewing, keeping score, attacking their spouse or someone else who’s handy. Attacks can be direct, like verbal abuse, or they can be indirect—passive-aggressive. (Self-destructive behavior is also common.) To achieve equilibrium, angry people’s intensity—outburst or perceived payback—needs to approximate the intensity of their pre-existing inner state. For equilibrium to be satisfied, current events must match the inner reality—the inner pain.
The inner fear. The inner rage. The inner darkness.
The receiving end
Have you been on the receiving end of someone else’s hunger for equilibrium? Their acting-out behaviors—whether silent or in-your-face—to balance their inner pain with their perception of the here and now—their skewed, self-induced reality? Not fun. At all. Read the last post about how God helped me to end chronic verbal abuse. I had to lay down my shame first.
Equilibrium? What’s that?
When the pain of the past is unresolved,
it’s locked inside us and we recreate it in the present.
To explore the deep issue of equilibrium, drink in that whole post. When it comes to equilibrium, we can be on the giving end or the receiving end or both. We lay down equilibrium by taking and completing The Healing Journey.
Fear
The reality of fear
Before we dig into the topic of fear today, I need to clarify something important. The Bible tells us repeatedly not to fear—other than our holy fear of God Almighty. Nevertheless, most of us do experience some fear at times because something dangerous comes knocking—like that motorcycle rider who zooms by our car at 100 miles per hour, sounding like a rocket, and we jump in our seat and gasp in shock. The sudden noise scared us big-time—and rightly so. When we encounter extreme danger, we experience the natural adrenaline rush that God built into our bodies to give us the increased fight-or-flight energy we need immediately. Read about my adrenaline rush when God saved my life. Strangely enough, when I thought I was about to be killed, I wasn’t afraid. My last thought was, “I’m going to Glory. Right here. Right now.” But I didn’t. Wow.
The environment and the hindrance
Some people live or work in a dangerous environment. Since I don’t live in your house or go to your job, I’m not going to tell you not to be afraid. What I will say is this. Fear is often about the anticipation of something bad happening.
In my personal experience, fear doesn’t help me prepare
wisely and effectively for a difficult situation; it’s a hindrance.
Then again, sometimes fear or anxiety rolls in unexpectedly—uninvited.
Outside forces
Our fears are usually based on what’s happened in the past, but they can be exacerbated by outside forces or destructive habits. By a worrying parent, spouse or friend. By obsessing on bad experiences. By watching the news.
Are there people, items or habits in your world that contribute to your worry, fear or anxiety? Ask God to show you what they are. Guard your mind and watch your media intake carefully. Don’t plant fears in your mind by watching the news; crime, horror or thriller shows or movies; or reading books or magazines of those genres. Social media contributes greatly to anxiety—fueling comparisons, false realities, fear of missing out, and much more. Read this post and consider eliminating this bondage from your life.
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh; for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but mighty in God for the tearing down of strongholds, throwing down imaginations and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ….
2 Corinthians 10:3-5, New Heart English Bible
Safety measures and the Lord’s hands
Reflect on the reality, safety-wise, where you live and work—emotionally and physically. If there are safety issues, what safety measures have you already put in place? What safety measures, if any, do you need to add? We can’t control our environment 100%. Be proactive. Be wise. Be faithful in prayer. And read Psalm 91 by Peggy Joyce Ruth. Highlight this book as you read it and keep it handy. If you’re a follower of Christ, join me in saying this. It helps me.
“Lord, I’m in your hands and you are faithful.”
The difficulty with fear depends on whether we’re affected—or perhaps crippled—by fears planted long ago or whether we’re endangered in the present or both. If you have difficulty with worry or anxiety, think long and hard about whether your fears are based in the here and now. When did you start being afraid? What was going on then? Are you still in that environment? Are you in a similar environment? Get down on your knees and ask God to reveal what you need to see.
The risk and the anxiety
I can really sympathize with these issues. I’m currently dealing with some anxiety because I’m in a riskier situation at work. I’m alone in the building at St. Matt’s most of the time. Father Ben retired and our interim priest has another job. My chest tightens up periodically throughout the week whether I’m at work or not, and I do not like it. How will this reality play out in the months ahead? I have no idea. For now, I’m praying a lot, taking responsible actions, and longing for the day when the anxiety is gone. Past experience tells me that it takes time—even after the risky situation is resolved. It takes time. My mind and my body can stay stuck in the past—in the chest-tightening fear.
Before I started writing about my anxiety in the paragraph above, my chest tightened up again, and it lingered. After writing about it, I prayed and ate a brownie. I felt better briefly. Then the anxiety returned. Ugh. I can’t explain it. I asked God to show me what he wants me to see or to help me receive what he wants me to receive. I’ll keep you posted.
The retreat and the cool breeze
I started writing this post on the third day of my Writing Retreat. That morning, I enjoyed watching the horses while a cool breeze was blowing—a very welcome change from our summer heat wave. Here’s the thing. When we’re in a Heat Wave, an Anxiety Wave, a Stress Wave, a Big Life Changes Wave, a Loneliness Wave, etc., we don’t have a clue when it will end. And then we experience a cool breeze of sorts. Know that God is at work. We don’t know what he’s doing, although sometimes we catch a glimpse.
Enjoy the cool breezes, keep praying, humble yourself, and rely on the Lord. And enjoy a brownie every now and then—or your own special treat. Talk with an encouraging, close friend. Give a hug. Pet a dog. Lie down on the floor and take some very slow, deep breaths. Give yourself permission to rest.
What am I learning on this quiet, private retreat? See and receive what the Lord has for you, Frankie Ann. See it and receive it.
Oh taste and see that the LORD is good.
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Psalm 34:8, New Heart English Bible
The doorbell and the trauma
Consider this story from my pal Charlene’s life, shared with her permission. Years ago, when Charlene, Winston and their children lived in another house, their next-door neighbor kept suing them. When the doorbell rang, Charlene answered it and received notice of a lawsuit. More than once. Due to these traumas, whenever the doorbell rang, her heart would jump. She’d feel anxious. Even though Charlene and Winston won the bogus lawsuits, these legal attacks caused many years of strife, financial strain and repeated trauma. How did Charlene recover from her fear reaction to the doorbell? “Every time I heard a doorbell and my heart raced, I would pause, name it and ask the Lord to help me see that the fear is not real and he is in control.” Charlene did this faithfully for years and is no longer plagued by that fear reaction. Thanks be to God.
The connection and the questions
When our mind connects a very real trauma with a particular sight, sound, smell, time of day or weather pattern—a post-traumatic stress trigger—that connection remains even after the trauma is over. We have to recognize the connection, remember the trauma, do healing work around that trauma, and learn this truth over time. Experiencing that sight/location, that sound, that smell, that time of day or that weather pattern can be safe for me now and in the future. The trauma is in the past. Sometimes we need to work with a great counselor to get these things resolved. Learn more in Traumatic Grief, part 3.
Are there unresolved traumas in your life? Take your time reading The Trauma of Perfection and The Trauma of Disengagement posts. Walk through your own life story. Have you minimized something? Is there something you need to remember or reflect on? Have you had some interesting dreams? Is God trying to bring something to your attention?
More anger letters
As I asked those questions above, I knew they were for me. During this Writing Retreat, on the third day, I wrote two short anger letters. One of them was to The Stalker. I realized during my retreat that The Door to Fear was opened in my life a number of years ago when I had a panic attack when I was being chased. And I never closed that door. Other scary circumstances came into my life, including The Stalker, which further reinforced my decision to keep The Door to Fear open. And the time has come—today, here and now—to close that door. This is how I ended the second anger letter:
I am closing The Door to Fear. I. AM. CLOSING. IT.
My protection comes from God. Period.
That’s it.
A few minutes later, I said to the Lord, “Here I am.” And I cried.
Fear at home or work
If you’ve been the target of abuse and/or neglect in your current home or job, dealing with fear can be a major challenge. Your experiences may have taught you this truth: Your environment is unsafe at times. Depending on the situation, there may be some important and impactful things you can do.
Physical danger
If you and/or your children are in physical danger at home, get out, protect your children, get counseling, and pray fervently about what God is asking you to do each step of the way. God is the miracle worker. Here is the key question. Will the abusive person humble himself or herself, get help and make healthy changes? Time will tell.
Wait for the LORD. Be strong, and let your heart take courage.
Yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14, New Heart English Bible
Emotional danger
Most violence is emotional. Here’s the list of behaviors commonly found in emotional violence. From part 2:
Emotional violence includes (1) control, (2) gossip, (3) lies, (4) drama, (5) gaslighting, (6) verbal attacks, (7) ignoring (you or your boundaries), (8) sabotaging, (9) showboating—I mean monologuing, (10) troublemaking, (11) name-calling, (12) threatening, (13) inappropriate requests/demands, (14) false accusations, (15) badgering, (16) exclusion, (17) rudeness, (18) team-building—better known as “collecting,” (19) payback, (20) hostility and (21) gameplaying (which includes loan sharking).
Truth, courage and prayer
Truth and courage can achieve remarkable break-throughs when dealing with a verbally abusive or emotionally abusive person, if that person is willing to change. To learn about a major turning point in our marriage, check out this post. However, some people with very serious personality disorders—like the sociopaths and malignant narcissists of the world—will not change without a miraculous intervention from God Almighty. (See the Sociopaths series and the index.)
Ask God to give you the courage to speak the right words
at the right time for the right reasons.
Pray faithfully.
Right away, all the way
I’ve found that confronting Brandon’s wrong thinking or remarks right then and there can make a major impression. The other day, he complained about what account I made a purchase out of. Then, less than five minutes later, we discovered that he did the exact same thing—with the same amount of money. I told him to make sure he chastised himself too: “Why didn’t you use the credit card?” The silence was golden.
The more I speak the truth and say, basically, “This is not okay,” he hears the truth, thinks about it, and—ultimately—agrees with me. He’s come a long way. So have I.
Be strong and of good courage.
Do not be afraid, neither be dismayed:
for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9b, New Heart English Bible
Wrap-up
If we’re dealing with fear, the key question we must ask ourselves is whether our present fear makes sense or whether it comes from unresolved events or traumas from the past. If we have unresolved traumas to deal with, we need to do that work. I did some in my own life yesterday when I wrote two short anger letters in less than 10 minutes. Walk through this important list, How to Unpack a Trauma or Loss, and much more in The Trauma of Perfection posts. Don’t just read it. Apply the steps to your life.
If your current environment at home or work contains dangers or risks and your concern or fear is definitely in the here and now, pray a lot, seek wise counsel, consider working with a great counselor, and make sure you’re truthful and courageous in your communication. Do what you can to improve the situation—and keep your boundaries strong and healthy. Ask God to help you lay down your fear while keeping you alert, courageous and filled with discernment.
The impact of unforgiveness on fear and anger
At the beginning of this post, I mentioned the importance of forgiving quickly. Why? What’s the big deal? There’s a certain danger in refusing to forgive someone who hurt you. Since unforgiveness keeps our hearts and minds tied to the past, the bad scene replays in our minds again and again. We feel haunted by the past because we’re refusing to leave it.
Take your time walking through part 7 and part 9 of What Forgiving Is and Isn’t. In part 7, you’ll explore Point #10: Forgiving is a gift that I give to myself most of all; plus the story of Jessie and Blake; big prayers; and much more. In part 9, you’ll explore the haunting and the spiritual danger of unforgiveness in Point #15: Forgiving is the breaking of an unholy tie or bond; the essential section called Unforgiveness vs. Fear; and an important prayer.
Unforgiveness can aggravate or accelerate fear and anger because the ever-present past agitates us and clouds our thinking.
Forgive quickly to free yourself from unnecessary pain
so you can focus on problem-solving
and other fruitful endeavors that bring glory to God.
Tearing down the barrier of fear
Don’t allow fear to convince you that forgiving will leave you more vulnerable. That is a lie. Don’t allow fear to be a barrier to forgiving. We don’t have to conquer fear or anxiety before we forgive. As a matter of fact, forgiving will help us deal with those problems much more effectively. So go ahead and forgive. And remember these important truths from What Forgiving Is and Isn’t. Point #1: Forgiving is not condoning. Point #6: Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or ignoring wrongdoing. Point #7: Forgiving doesn’t mean rejecting or sabotaging natural consequences. Point #13: Forgiving is a choice. To see all 20 points of What Forgiving Is and Isn’t, see part 12 of that post.
You can forgive, with the Lord’s help. If you’ve been holding on to unforgiveness, will you ask him to help you?
Coming next: We’ll explore anger in the next post, as we conclude this topic: Tearing Down the Barriers to Forgiving. I’m not sure about the fine points, but I think it’ll be lively.
Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: This passage—Psalm 36:5-9—reminds me of my Writing Retreat. Lord, thank you for every good gift.
Song: We sang this hymn at our wedding 25 years ago. The Lord has been so faithful! Be blessed by “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” by The Worship Initiative.
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