Dedicated to our sweet Pierre
Seven days of staycation
Today on Choosing Peace you’ll read about a decision, The Turnaround and some of our favorite restaurants.
Vacations can be filled with Special Days.
The great idea
The week before Thanksgiving ended up being our Staycation—vacation time spent at home. Brandon took most of the month off and he finally asked me to take a week off too. He mentioned going to Arkansas for a couple days—to the place where we spent our honeymoon. What a great idea. We sat on the couch one evening, and he checked the cost of the rooms and talked to me about the views from the different sides of the lodge. Several days later, he asked me what vehicle we should take and we agreed on my new-to-me SUV. I’ll call my vehicle Ralph. Have you named your car? Consider it. Major fun. Where was I? Oh, yes. Vacation plans. We even talked about what route we’d take to avoid driving through Sociopathville where Brandon grew up.
I was looking forward to the scenery, the trip and the walk down Memory Lane. Going to Arkansas was Brandon’s idea—and we knew the dates, the destination, the mode of transportation and even the travel route.
Or did we?
The triple-date and the smackdown
Last Friday, we met my pal Charlene, her husband Winston, and another couple for dinner. (Peeps, if you’re in the Ft. Worth area, I highly recommend Campfire Grill, our November selection.) On our way home from our monthly triple-date, Brandon delivered one of his favorite smackdowns when it comes to something I want. This time, it was about going to Arkansas the following week. He said, “It’s a discussion, not a decision.” Translation: “The rug has just been pulled out from under you.” I mean, “The power play has begun. To move forward on this, you’ll have to fight for it. Put your dukes up.” To explore Special Day Sabotage, read part 1 and part 2.
Final word?
I was beyond disgusted. I decided then and there that I wouldn’t say another word about going to Arkansas.
Or would I?
The trip that wasn’t
As I was going to sleep on Saturday night—the day after Brandon dropped his It’s-A-Discussion-Not-A-Decision Bomb—the Holy Spirit reminded me about Our New Dog Reality. My dog Marvin usually needs a middle-of-the-night trip to the backyard. Even though our neighbor feeds our dogs when we’re out of town, those arrangements definitely do not include popping over at 4 A.M. for precious Marvin’s potty break. Our replacement back door with a dog door in it was still on saw horses in the garage—awaiting a little patching, sanding and a coat of paint—not to mention the installation into a rather tricky, not-quite-rectangular spot. Besides, Marvin needed some low-stress Dog Door Training, which can require several sessions before the light bulb comes on. Needless to say, we weren’t remotely ready for an overnight trip.
Once my light bulb came on about our situation, I knew we couldn’t go to Arkansas. You might be thinking—Why not spend a day or two doing the home improvement and the dog training? I absolutely didn’t have it in me—not after doing two weeks’ worth of work in one week so I could actually take a vacation. I was exhausted.
Relating the decision
The Holy Spirit gave me the clarity I needed, and I was very thankful. Since Brandon refused to make “a decision,” I would. I would cancel The Trip That Wasn’t. The next morning, I told Brandon we wouldn’t be going to Arkansas and why. He was surprised—and, I could tell, a little disappointed—but he totally agreed. Our week off would officially be a Staycation. Decision made.
Forgiving and the game
The decision was made, but was there some unfinished business here? I knew I needed to forgive Brandon for offering something good to me and then, basically, taking it back—turning it from a source of joy to a source of attempted conflict. Did I forgive him for playing his Not-A-Decision Game? Yes, I did. But that wasn’t all I needed to do.
Not a decision
Brandon has been using “It’s a discussion, not a decision” for our entire 25-year marriage as one of his control tactics. Now that I finally decided to write about this problem, I realized it was high time for some strategic planning. Call me slow on the uptake.
Frankie Ann’s travel-related strategic planning
1. I called Charlene and asked if we could spend two nights instead of one in Wichita Falls in February when we go to the Leanne Morgan concert. I’m really looking forward to that trip, and I’m hoping to maximize the break, Lord-willing.
2. When it comes to any future traveling with Brandon, I won’t get excited or really engage in much of the planning until after he’s paid for the accommodations—in other words, until he’s actually taken action on “a decision.” His decision. He’ll hear a lot of “It’s up to you, dear.” Translation: “I won’t get excited about the possibility of traveling with you because I’m not available to fight about it.”
3. I’ll continue to plan weekend trips with friends because I love traveling and, unlike some people, I don’t have trouble making decisions.
What it’s really about
Psssst, Peaceful Readers. What’s going on here? Brandon doesn’t have trouble making decisions, does he? Nope. This isn’t about decision-making. It’s about control, fear of traveling, and an inner hunger for conflict.
The reality and the vacation merry-go-round
It’s time for something better. Brandon hates traveling and I love it. That’s simply the reality. I’d rather not travel with Brandon at all than continue to play these destructive games. Guess what? I just left the playground. Can you see my footprints in the sand as I walked away from The Vacation Merry-go-round? Yes, indeed.
The staycation
So, how was our Staycation this week? A week with Brandon, who was totally burned-out from over-working himself, yet was somewhat paranoid about missing work? It was surprisingly amazing. There were definitely highs and lows. I think of it as The Turnaround or The Marriage Reboot.
Day 1: Saturday
We began our Staycation driving Evelyn, Brandon’s 1968 Mustang, in a Veteran’s Day parade with a local Mustang club. I even had a Veteran’s Day T-shirt to wear—a recent gift from Sam and The Marys at St. Matt’s. So fun. I texted a photo of us to Logan and asked him to send us photos of him with friends.
A local company removed our dead pine tree from the backyard, Brandon made us some tasty turkey and tomato sandwiches for lunch, and I took a very long power-nap. That felt so good. We watched some of the Texas A&M vs. Mississippi State football game and realized that Logan was at the game. He texted us a great photo with friends. Joy, joy, joy.
Brandon and I watched two episodes of “The Chosen,” about Jesus healing the woman who bled for 12 years, and Jesus raising the daughter of Jairus from the dead. Outstanding, as always. At bedtime, I realized that we wouldn’t be going to Arkansas. I journaled, “All in due time. No pressure.”
Day 2: Sunday
I slept in, we watched more of “The Chosen,” and Brandon suggested Jason’s Deli for lunch. Then we took Floyd and Marvin for their first full-loop walk in the neighborhood. Marvin was so excited. He acted like a child on Christmas morning. I journaled, “His exuberance was precious.” After that, it was nap time again, followed by giving Marvin a bath.
Sunday, November 12
Journal entry
… Logan called me this afternoon and was a precious chatterbug. …I mentioned that I was having dinner with one of the ladies from [last month’s] retreat. Logan asked me how the retreat was. I told him the Holy Spirit was moving and there was spiritual warfare conquered by the Lord. It was amazing. I think he was moved by that.
Brandon gave me the okay for the dinner with Miranda. I didn’t feel like it could wait until after Thanksgiving. I gave her a copy of Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund, one of my Top 5 favorite books.
Day 3: Monday—the tipping point
To some extent, Monday felt like the first day of our Staycation, since it was a work day and I wasn’t working. Hallelujah! We watched a little football and I cooked us a hot lunch. After running a couple errands, I told Brandon: “No more errands on my vacation.” He insisted that I had to select a new faucet set for our shower this week because the recommended showrooms weren’t open nights or weekends. After proving him wrong on that, he finally dropped it. Granted, we haven’t been able to use our shower for more than six months, but apparently that reached emergency status the week of my vacation. Hmmm. I don’t get it. I kept telling him that my number one need this week was to rest. What came next? I took another nap. Then I ate chocolate cake from Jason’s for dinner and we watched more of “The Chosen.”
The day ended with some very long, drawn-out conflict. Brandon voiced his complaints about me, repeating himself again and again. I commented that anytime someone keeps repeating their complaints for two-and-a-half hours, it’s a major beat-down. I told him to stop it. I said he isn’t getting what he wants and I’m not getting what I want. Stop the press. Brandon seemed very surprised to hear that. He asked me what I want. I mentioned something that had never crossed my mind. (And I give the Holy Spirit all the credit for it.) I said I wanted him to sit in the same room with me, with each of us doing something positive and silent.
I journaled that my decision to take vacation time while Brandon was on vacation was “a colossal mistake,” and I went to sleep in a state of deep despair.
While we slept, the Lord was at work.
Day 4: Tuesday—the turnaround
Brandon was different today. He asked me if he could sit quietly on the couch while I was having my morning quiet time. I said yes. We experienced our first quiet time together. He read Psalm 91, the book I gave him for his birthday, while I read Acts 18 and journaled. After Brandon got a haircut, he went to Aldi for me and picked up a few things. That was sweet. This afternoon, I started working the puzzle of Jesus that Brandon gave me last Christmas. I really enjoyed getting started on it.
And there was more.
Tuesday, November 14
Journal entry
We watched the last episode of season 3 of “The Chosen,” with the feeding of the 5,000 and Simon walking on the water. It ended with a remarkable scene of Simon and his wife Eden both in water simultaneously—showing the profound connection of husband and wife, and the power of prayer. Right after it ended, Brandon turned on Pandora. It was on the jazz guitar station and my favorite song started playing, “Travels” by Pat Metheny. I told Brandon it was my favorite song [on that station], and he asked me to stand up. We slow danced to that beautiful song. And we cried. Today was The Turnaround.
Peaceful Readers, here’s the song. I hope it brings you a sense of peace today.
While the song played—the song called “Travels”—I remembered different travels in our life together. Some of them were very good.
Day 5: Wednesday
I woke up early and baked a Banana Pecan Coffee Cake for breakfast. Brandon cooked eggs and sausage, and we ate by candlelight. Then we enjoyed Day 2 of our quiet time. Brandon read chapter 10 of Psalm 91. Later, he drove us in his Mustang—beautiful baby blue Evelyn—to R&K Café 2 in Weatherford for a late lunch. I was surprised to see so many people there at 2 in the afternoon. Each time we walk in, I like reading the Bible verse on their chalkboard. Hearty comfort food, as always.
When we got home, we enjoyed some time in the backyard with our dogs, Floyd and Marvin. What a beautiful day. I gathered pine cones to use on our table at our Christmas party. That was fun. Next, Brandon sat with me at our game table and we worked on the puzzle of Jesus together. He’s a good puzzle worker. It’s definitely something new for him. I really enjoyed our puzzle time. Brandon found the pieces with the face and hands of Jesus. I loved that.
Quiet time, the beautiful day, the puzzle pieces of Jesus….
God is doing mighty things.
Logan texted us a photo of him eating dinner with friends. That made us smile. Lord, thank you for this happy, happy day.
Day 6: Thursday
I woke up early, ate Banana Pecan Coffee Cake by candlelight, and started writing this post. We enjoyed Day 3 of our quiet time together. Then Brandon offered me a neck massage (with no expectations). It felt really good and we had a peaceful, meaningful talk. He felt that his crying over Pierre’s death last month allowed me to see his softer heart—the new, warmer Brandon. I agreed.
Pierre, we miss you!
We ate leftover chicken parmesan for lunch. After I unloaded the dishwasher, Brandon came in and reloaded it. That was a lovely surprise. I wrote some more before we drove out to the marina late in the afternoon. We enjoyed Chick-fil-A for dinner in the cockpit of our sailboat. Brandon discovered a broken part on our fuel line, so we couldn’t go sailing. We weren’t upset. Brandon mentioned how fortunate we were since the part broke while we were in the marina and not out on the water. I really appreciated his positive attitude about that. After we got home, we watched a comedian on Dry Bar Comedy via our new Angel Studios app. The laughter felt so good.
Day 7: Friday
After a great eight hours of sleep, I got up and did some writing. We enjoyed a big breakfast before our new daily quiet time. When Brandon came into the great room and asked me about breakfast, I asked him to surprise me. He made us fried eggs with cheese on top and fried potatoes and onions. Delicious! He even lit two candles on the kitchen table for our Special Day breakfast. So nice.
At the end of breakfast, Brandon said, “Indian or Korean.” I replied, “I don’t have any idea what you mean.” He wanted me to choose a restaurant type for our lunch. We talked about the two restaurants he had in mind and I opted for Korean.
For lunch, Brandon took me to Omi Korean Grill & Bar in Arlington for the first time. I ordered the Beef Bento Box. Oh, my goodness, Peaceful Readers. It was fabulous.
After we got home, Brandon napped while I wrote. Then we sat in the backyard and enjoyed Marvin’s playfulness. The clouds were dark and the damp air was heavy, but our hearts felt light. Dusk came and we went back inside for dinner. Brandon ate leftovers and I ate pecan pie with a big glass of milk. Mmmm. We worked on the puzzle some more and then watched a historical drama on TV. At bedtime, Brandon talked about God bringing us together, how being together was necessary for our healing, and the good purposes God has for us as husband and wife. Now that’s a sweet way to end the day—and our Staycation. With truth and gratitude.
A lifestyle of forgiving and the blessings of the Lord
Even though our fight on Day 3 was hurtful and demoralizing, I didn’t feel angry or sad on Day 4. I give God all the glory for that. Truly. And here’s the thing. Living a lifestyle of forgiving allowed me to receive all the good things God had for me—and for us—so we could both experience The Turnaround.
How did God bless us on Day 4—that very, very Special Day? Here are seven things. The beginning of quiet time together. Brandon’s new helpfulness. The puzzle of Jesus. The powerful marriage truths in “The Chosen.” The song. The dance. And the tears.
Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised….
Psalm 145:3a, King James Version
(My favorite Bible verse)
Quiet presence
Now we’re both getting what we want. I wanted Brandon’s quiet emotional presence. We begin our days with quiet time. He wanted my quiet physical presence. After quiet time, we rest quietly in bed, side by side.
What a Staycation. I’ll be the first to say—it wasn’t what I expected. Thankfully, it was so much more.
Deeper. Quieter. Better.
Now to him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21, New Heart English Bible
Holiday time
The holiday season is upon us, and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I pray that your Thanksgiving will be truly peaceful and spent with people who are good to you.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
Coming next: I have an idea about what’s coming next. It may be the steps to forgiving. Come back next time.
Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: These verses stood out to me during our first quiet time together—Acts 18:9-10.
Song: I know I’m a smidge early with this song since Thanksgiving is next week, but it’s so powerful. The words “a thrill of hope” describe my heart these days…. Drink in the majestic beauty of “O Holy Night” by Charlotte Church.
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