Dedicated to my friend Cynthia
The replacements
Before we explore anger today, let’s take a little stroll through a Pride Epilogue and a Fear Epilogue.
Pride 2.0
In part 7, we dug into the issue of pride. As I’ve reflected on pride since pushing the Publish button, I’ve realized my need to continue replacing some of my thinking about other people. Instead of deciding what makes us different, I need to search for the possible truths that unite us.
Questions to ask myself
When I’m tempted to think pridefully, in one of the C4 ways—categories, classifications, comparisons or competitions—I need to ask myself these questions. How does God desire me to see this person? What is he trying to show me through this person? What is hidden that needs to be seen? Whether I find the person to be safe or dangerous, honorable or not—what is God showing me?
Is each encounter with someone new an opportunity
to build my humility, my compassion and/or my discernment?
I believe it is.
Praying along the path
For the last 25 years, prayer has helped me greatly in this area. Sometimes when someone crosses my path as I’m driving, walking, etc., I pray for the person’s salvation (if he/she isn’t already saved), that he or she will seek and find God, and will come closer to God. If the person is sold-out to evil, I pray that he or she will stop hurting people—however God chooses to accomplish that. When I see a child, a young person or someone who seems vulnerable, I also pray for God’s protection.
Praying for someone the Lord brought across my path helps me release my pride. It really does. Give it a try.
Fear 2.0
I wrote about pride and fear during my first-ever Writing Retreat. Here are some thoughts from the post about fear: “I asked God to show me what he wants me to see or to help me receive what he wants me to receive. I’ll keep you posted.” What did God desire for me to see and receive—specifically about my recently-resurfaced anxiety? He wanted me to lay it down.
Did I? Yes, I did! The Lord healed me.
Five things
Five major things happened as I wrote about fear. (1) I wrote two very short anger letters. Bam. (2) I received a new mantra: “Lord, I’m in your hands and you are faithful.” I say it regularly. (3) I prayed—officially closing The Door to Fear. See part 8 for details. (4) This scripture really helped me too.
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh; for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but mighty in God for the tearing down of strongholds, throwing down imaginations and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ….
2 Corinthians 10:3-5, New Heart English Bible [emphasis added]
And, for the icing on the cake, (5) the Holy Spirit gave me a song the previous day that kept going through my mind: “My Redeemer Is Faithful and True.” I watched the music video many, many times and was deeply blessed each time. The warmth and purity of the song and the performers washed over me.
Tearing down the stronghold
Jesus helped me tear down the stronghold of fear. How? Releasing anger. Receiving a truthful saying about God’s protection and faithfulness. Praying specifically to end fear. Reading and drinking in an important scripture. Experiencing a song about the truth and faithfulness of Jesus, my Savior.
When I started writing about fear on the third day of my Writing Retreat, I had no idea that the Lord would release me from this stronghold that had reappeared the previous month. I had no idea. And the word faithful swirled through it all. God was faithful. He gave me the retreat—with focused time to accomplish something important—something much deeper than what I’d planned. He gave me his inspiration and his instructions. He answered my prayer about closing The Door to Fear. He gave me a vital scripture. And he gave me two songs about his faithfulness. I ended the post about pride with “My Redeemer Is Faithful and True” and I ended the post about fear with “Great Is Thy Faithfulness.” God is so good! Here’s my new mantra again. I hope it helps you too.
“Lord, I’m in your hands and you are faithful.”
I followed the Holy Spirit’s lead and he showered me with blessings—with truth, his presence and his healing. And that’s not all. Other gifts were around the corner.
Fear and anger
In the last post, I reflected on an interesting relationship. “Did you know that fear and anger are related? Think of them as a sister and brother. One usually comes before a problem and the other usually comes after. Often, fear is the belief that something bad will happen. Anger is a common response after something bad has happened.” Hmmm.
The relationship and the letters
Fear and anger are obviously not the same thing, but it’s not uncommon to be experiencing both emotions side by side. What role did releasing my anger play in my healing from fear? Once again, these two emotions appear to be closely related, like a brother and sister. During my Writing Retreat, God made it clear that I needed to write two anger letters—one to The Stalker from three years ago and one to Brandon. Each one was short, so I was done in 10 minutes. Zip. Bang. Boom. (Anger letters aren’t mailed or given to anyone. They’re therapeutic—releasing me from the destruction of my own anger. Learn more here.)
Writing those two short anger letters was one of the early steps in my healing from anxiety. Both anger letters were about events that scared me—and the fear activated by those events resulted in my anger. Truth be told, I was hoppin‘ mad. And the anger stayed locked inside me until I wrote those short anger letters. Then it was gone. Praise the Lord.
Lingering emotions
God healed me during my Writing Retreat from my lingering fear—reactivated by current circumstances at work. What about my anger? Was I angry about other things—maybe in my marriage? My anger was still hanging around a little. And—truth be told—I wasn’t particularly interested in acknowledging it. Thankfully, Brandon helped me in that area by pointing things out to me in recent weeks. Some old emotions and attitudes needed to go. Some emotional house-cleaning was in order. Snapping. Impatience. Rudeness.
One and done—not
I learned some important things during my Writing Retreat. Anger letters aren’t One and Done things. In other words, just because I wrote an anger letter to someone once upon a time doesn’t mean I won’t ever need to write that person another one. I’ve written an anger letter to Brandon twice. Will there be more? We’ll see.
Peaceful Reader, is there some lingering anger in your life from something that happened years ago or perhaps last week? From a long-gone relationship or event or maybe from a difficult relationship that’s still here? Are you in denial about your anger? Are you lying to yourself, thinking I got over that a long time ago. That’s ancient history.
When the still, small voice says, “It’s time to write an anger letter,” go ahead and do it. You’ll be so glad you did.
The ways of anger
Jesus’ way
Anger isn’t a bad thing. Jesus expressed anger when he socked it to the money-changers in the temple. He was expressing righteous anger—in other words, anger about how others were being mistreated. God was being dishonored and poor people were being cheated. And Jesus took care of business. He didn’t stew about it. He didn’t complain about it to his friends. He took care of it right then and there.
We, too, are called to take care of problems—sometimes with righteous anger—in a timely manner. Been there, done that last month, as a matter of fact. When we take care of business, our anger doesn’t take root and stick around for years. We dealt with the problem. We expressed our righteous anger to the right person at the right place at the right time. Sometimes we have to wait a little while to accomplish “right person, right place, right time.”
The right way
What does the Bible say about anger?
“Be angry, but do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down on your anger, neither give place to the devil.
Ephesians 4:26-27, New Heart English Bible
Translation: “You’ll be angry, but don’t use your anger as fuel for sin.” As far as the “don’t let the sun go down” part, I think of it this way. (1) Talk to God about your anger today. (2) Address the problems and your feelings with the other person involved if and when God gives you the green light. You may find this article helpful.
We need to handle our anger God’s way. Acknowledge it. Deal with it. Use it rightly. No denial.
Hidden and not-so-hidden anger
How does unexpressed or unresolved anger show itself? You’d be surprised. Impatience. Sarcasm. Criticism. Withdrawal. Snide remarks. Aggression. Discouragement. Glaring or eye-rolling. Blame. Dark humor. Frustration. Outbursts. Hostility. Passive-aggressive behavior. And more. Here’s the thing.
We hang on to our anger for several reasons;
and often, we don’t see it.
When we’re in denial about our anger, we say things like, “This is just the way I am,” “I’ve always had a sarcastic sense of humor,” “God made me this way,” “Angry? I’m not angry!” Sometimes we mistakenly think our anger protects us from harm. I call that Anger Armor. (Not helpful.) Other times, we hold on to anger because we feel justified. Translation: “Payback Central.” For some people, A State of Anger becomes their inner, resting state—their emotional comfort zone. A State of Anger may feel safe for them, but it’s very unsafe for the rest of us. Dig into equilibrium and our inner emotional states in Questions and Answers, part 2. It’s important.
Anger or sadness turned inward can result in self-destructive behavior. In other words, “I’m angry at—or sad about—my mom, my dad, my parents, my spouse, that person; but I can’t deal with it, so I’m punishing [or numbing] myself.”
Seeing rightly and taking steps
Like many other vices, we can see other people’s anger while being blissfully unaware of our own. One of the many vital reasons for meaningful, long-term relationships is so our spouse, close friend or child can say, “You seem/look/sound angry. What’s up?” We may not like hearing that, but it helps us take a serious look at ourselves. Read about a time when Brandon and our son Logan each mentioned my anger—and the healing that unfolded because of their truthfulness.
Anger Q&A
What can we do about our anger? First, we need to see it rightly. Where does it come from? Get in The Way-Back Machine and seriously think about that. Where does my anger come from? When did it take root in my life? Then ask yourself the here-and-now question. Who is my anger aimed at? When our anger comes in response to Person A but is aimed at Person B, why is that? Convenience? Mistaken perceptions of reality? Needless to say, misdirected anger is a serious problem.
Getting rid of anger
Step 1: Pray and ask God to help you see the truth.
Step 2: Acknowledge your anger.
Step 3: Reflect on its origin.
Step 4: Write an anger letter (or two…).
The replacements
Twice in recent years, God has replaced my anger with something much better.
The gift of compassion
In this post, I wrote about how God replaced my anger at my mom with compassion. What an amazing story. Truly. When I turned on my laptop earlier this week, I realized that it was my mom’s birthday. I said, “Today was my mom’s birthday. Today is my mom’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom!” That was heartwarming.
And today is my parents’ anniversary. The special days matter. More on that later….
The gift of love
This month, God replaced my residual anger at Brandon with love—in a very surprising way. The day after my new dog Marvin came to live with us, I was sitting with him on the couch. All of a sudden, this tangible love rushed from my heart toward him. I could feel it physically. It was remarkable. Love rushed through me toward this sweet dog who’d had a hard life. Wow. As I petted and loved my new dog, I received God’s healing. Powerfully.
In the last post, I wrote a list of helpful things we can do during difficult times. One of them was “Pet a dog.” Peaceful Readers, I had no idea how true that little tidbit would be in my own life just a week later. My precious Marvin is my snuggle buddy. I’ve never had a dog like him. His love and his closeness to me have changed me. My anger at Brandon has been replaced by love because of my love for Marvin. I’m softer and more peaceful. Thank you, Lord. What an extraordinary blessing.
More blessings
Last night, Brandon and I had a fun conversation before we went to sleep. We were popping up names of TV shows we watched when we were growing up. “Wacky Races.” “I Love Lucy.” “H.R. Pufnstuf.” “Gilligan’s Island.” “The Brady Bunch.” And many more. Laughter is a very good way to end the day.
Speaking of blessings, last week my friend Cynthia and I enjoyed a very special visit to Glen Rose, Texas, my favorite small town. As I was driving home, I heard the song below for the first time and I knew it was the song for this post—filled with joy and the truth about the power of God. You will love it.
Your turn
Is there some residual or lingering anger in you? Will you ask God to help you see it and replace it with something good? He’s replaced my anger twice in recent years—once with compassion and once with love.
God is faithful. God is loving. God is The Healer.
Wrap-up
I thought today’s post on anger would be filled with sass. Au contraire. The peace of this post surprised me—a great example of how God’s way is so much better than my way.
We explored lingering anger today. Have you been living with lingering unforgiveness? Since July, we’ve been digging into this important topic: Tearing Down the Barriers to Forgiving. What are the barriers to forgiving? Denial, Pride, Fear and Anger. From the last post: “Unforgiveness can aggravate or accelerate fear and anger because the ever-present past agitates us and clouds our thinking. Forgive quickly to free yourself from unnecessary pain so you can focus on problem-solving and other fruitful endeavors that bring glory to God.” See the section called The Impact of Unforgiveness on Fear and Anger for more.
If you need help laying down any of these things—denial, pride, fear, anger or unforgiveness—know that God can help you powerfully. Humble yourself, get down on your knees and call out to him. He is near.
A quiet mind
As I prepared the worship bulletin for St. Matt’s this week, the words in this week’s prayer spoke to me—especially this phrase: A quiet mind.
The Collect [prayer] for this Sunday, October 1
O merciful Lord, grant to your faithful people pardon and peace, that we may be cleansed from all our sins and serve you with a quiet mind; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. [And the people say:] Amen.
The Book of Common Prayer 2019 from the Anglican Church in North America, Proper 21
Peaceful Reader, may the Lord bless you with truth, healing and a quiet mind.
Coming next: Honestly, I don’t have the foggiest idea what I’ll be writing about next, but the Holy Spirit does, and that’s good enough for me. Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: John 1:16-17
Song: What a perfect song for today’s post. Enjoy “Yes He Can” by CAIN. I love this band—a brother and two sisters whose last name is Cain.
To hear their story, watch this great interview. To learn about their babies on the tour bus, watch this one. Very fun.
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