Reversing the turning point
In part 1 of The Post-Turnaround Transformation, we explored a special Saturday—the next-to-last day of our Staycation. Brandon and I started having daily quiet time together on the couch. And that, Peaceful Readers, transformed our marriage. The core issues were meaningful conversations and peaceful silence.
Today on Choosing Peace you’ll read about Thanksgiving, a puzzle and that age-old question: “What’s for dinner?”
The week of Thanksgiving
Sunday surprises
On the last day of our Staycation—Sunday, the Lord’s Day—things didn’t go as I planned. I was looking forward to going to church. My alarm was set. It was time to worship and catch up with our friends in our life group. Or was it?
Sunday, November 19 (part 1)
Journal entry
I woke up around 1 A.M. and got up at 2-something. Yikes. I ate a strawberry muffin from Paula at St. Matt’s. Yum. I added a beautiful photo of Pierre and my favorite Bible verse to yesterday’s post. I’m very happy with it. My left ear started hurting…. I went back to bed around 6, but my ear pain kept me awake. I took a Tylenol and was able to fall asleep. I woke up around 9:30. My ear was still hurting. I ate a chicken pot pie from Aldi and Brandon brought me a Tylenol. At the beginning of our quiet time, I closed my eyes and was reciting Psalm 91 silently. Brandon asked me to say it out loud, so I did (with my eyes closed). I liked saying it out loud for us. I sure did.
The time
I usually wake up between 3 and 5, so 1 A.M. was extremely early—even for me. With my bizarre lack of sleep and my ear ache, I knew we wouldn’t be going to church, but why?
The revealing
Brandon read part 2 and part 4 of Special Days. Surprisingly, he wasn’t angry. TBTG. Those posts were very revealing to him. About me. About him. About Special Days.
The turning point
Here’s more from my journal.
Sunday, November 19 (part 2)
Journal entry
We had more good talks…. I realized and told [Brandon] something important. After our baby Joshua died, I asked him to sit with me on the couch. He went to the garage and spent the whole day making his one and only stained glass window. I told him that I decided then and there that I’d have to get my emotional needs met elsewhere. He apologized. I forgave him.
Why for her
Why did I make that decision? Why did I shut down? I told Brandon this incident was “the icing on the cake”—the last straw on top of his angry tirades—the years of verbal abuse. Choosing not to trust Brandon with my heart was a major turning point in our marriage. This decision protected me—to some extent—for many years, but there were consequences. Very serious consequences.
Why for him
Why did Brandon go to the garage? Why could he not sit with me in my time of aching grief? Because he was locked in his desire for vengeance against the doctor who had ignored us. He had to do something. He couldn’t mourn with me. He wanted retribution. He felt powerless. He told me he had to do something with his hands.
Babies in heaven
I’ve heard that half of the couples who lose a child don’t make it. They divorce. To a small extent, I understand why. Men and women respond to the loss of a child in very different ways. The new Angel Studios movie The Shift shows this difference in a short, revealing scene. Good movie.
My condolences
Peaceful Reader, if you’ve lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, illness or other circumstances, I am so sorry. Losing a child is a different kind of loss and pain. It feels so incredibly unnatural. Parents get old and die. We expect to lose our parents. Children should live. We feel that deep in our hearts. And as their parents, we feel responsible for their well-being. Deeply responsible, even when there was nothing we could do to save them….
Where they are
Our babies are in heaven with Jesus.
After his newborn son died, King David said:
“While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘Who knows whether the LORD will not be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
2 Samuel 12:22-23, New Heart English Bible
The epiphany
Did the Lord reveal more about that very sad turning point in our marriage? When Joshua died and Brandon wouldn’t sit with me? When I decided not to lean on him anymore?
Sunday, November 19 (part 3)
Journal entry
I had an epiphany. Maybe since an incident of great pain involved sitting on the couch, it was important for sitting together on the couch to be a catalyst for healing [via our daily quiet time]. God is so good.
Brandon knew that I didn’t trust him, and this was a source of fear and sadness. I apologized. Our talks today were essential for us to move forward.
Did the conversations and the healing continue? Most definitely.
The Sunday when I had that epiphany marked the end of our Staycation and the beginning of the week of Thanksgiving. If you’ve been around for a while on Choosing Peace, you know that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Oh, yes.
Back at work, not at work, still at work
Did I mention that Marvin is my Work Pal? In late October, he started going with me to work at St. Matt’s. What a precious companion and guard dog. He’s the best.
On Monday after our week-long Staycation, Marvin and I went back to work. Brandon was still on vacation. Was God still at work? Absolutely.
In his masterpiece The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis wrote, “Aslan is on the move.” His words give me a great visual picture of the mighty lion moving through Narnia and changing things with his presence, his thoughts and his words. My friend Meagan and I text that to each other sometimes: “Aslan is on the move.” We mean, “God is working—moving hearts and lives. Things are happening. Supernatural things. God things.”
God’s loving hand
So, how was God at work in our marriage the week of Thanksgiving? In big ways. Generosity. Togetherness. Understanding. Helpfulness. As I opened my heart to Brandon, he came closer to me.
The bonus—generosity
I asked Brandon if I could give a bonus to our wonderful maids, Jose and Elena. He said yes. I was very thankful for that. We don’t always see eye-to-eye when it comes to finances. He’s the shopper. I’m the giver. He likes to stay home. I like to travel. He says no. I say yes. Etcetera. It feels good when we’re on the same page financially.
Later that week, Brandon said the blinders have come off his eyes
and he now understands that God is our provider.
Truly monumental. Understanding truths about God can greatly reduce fear—something Brandon has struggled with his whole life. I gave him this Bible verse in stone last Christmas. It sits in his home office. The truth is sinking in.
Growing stronger—togetherness
Brandon and I worked on our puzzle of Jesus a lot. That was fun. We also went to the chiropractor together—something we started doing recently. He lifted hand weights with me for the second time. He watched what I was doing and did the same things. I was so happy about that. Health isn’t only about weight. In my experience, it’s actually about strength. Then we grocery shopped together—another thing we started doing together recently.
Frankie Ann’s food—understanding
I explained something on our way home—something related to the Special Days post Brandon read about our Staycation.
Monday, November 20
Journal entry
I told him that I don’t usually write so much about food in my blog, although I journal about it a lot. I explained what a big deal it is to me when someone brings me food. He went to Taco Casa and brought us taco salads. Yay! I really appreciated that.
As each decade passes, that age-old daily question—“What’s for dinner?”—gets older and older. When I have an answer, the question is okay. When I give several options that aren’t received with gratitude, it’s really annoying. Sometimes, I have no answer at all. I think, What’s for dinner? Yogurt or cereal or crackers and cheese. Needless to say, those are not the answers Brandon wants to hear. Sometimes I’m not that hungry at dinner time. What can I say.
Anyway, when someone other than me prepares our meal or brings me food, you’d think I just got a Christmas present. It’s a big deal. Communicating this Big Deal Item to Brandon has resulted in lots of happy mealtimes for yours truly. Woohoo!
Giving thanks—helpfulness
On Thanksgiving, Brandon helped me like never before. He peeled and boiled the potatoes, started the mac & cheese, and set the table in the dining room. Everything went smoothly. We ate Sunday Chicken, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, mac & cheese, steamed carrots and steamed asparagus. It was wonderful. Brandon apologized for his anger in the past and talked about the things he’s doing to reduce his stress. I journaled, “Brandon felt it was our best Thanksgiving ever. He’s a new man.”
The next day, I decided to make shepherd’s pie with our leftover mashed potatoes. Brandon browned the meat and peeled, cut and boiled a potato to add to our leftovers. I sure appreciated his help.
All of the above and above all
Seeing as how my love language is Words of Affirmation, kind and sincere words are the most generous gift I can receive—whether spoken or written. We’ll dig more into love languages in marriage soon.
On Saturday, at the end of Thanksgiving week, the warmth continued.
Saturday, November 25
Journal entry
This morning I said in my head—“Happy Birthday, Dad!” I asked Brandon to make me eggs. He cooked us delicious scrambled eggs with onions and cheese. Mmm. We enjoyed a sweet quiet time and rest time. Brandon told me, “You are my joy and my delight.” That warmed my heart.
And we finished the puzzle. I really enjoyed working on it together.
Reversing the turning point
What changed Brandon and me? The hand of God. He gave me the peace and confidence to reverse the turning point. I came closer to Brandon emotionally. I offered him my trust and told him deep truths about me. Brandon received me with a warm and grateful heart, he laid down his fear and he came closer too. We laid down some old ways, forgave each other and walked forward, hand-in-hand.
Has everything been easy and smooth sailing since then? Nope. And that’s okay.
We mess up, apologize, forgive each other,
talk things out and give each other lots of grace.
That’s life.
A very good life.
Anticipating and adjusting
As we move toward Christmas, what will God have in store? Plenty.
When a major life shift or thinking shift or relationship shift has taken place, it takes time to adjust to the new paradigm. It takes time.
Thinking and praying
Have you experienced a big life change—or more than one—in the last year or two? If so, think about the different phases of your adjustment, your coping, your healing perhaps, your new thinking, your new living. Big life changes are hard, even when they’re good changes. Be kind, patient and forgiving to yourself.
Do you need God’s help? He is here. Ask him for his comfort—the comfort that only he can give. What else do you need in your spirit, in your thinking, in your daily living? Pray to the only one who knows it all—everything about your yesterdays, your today and your tomorrows.
Comfort and joy
The song below—a fresh take on an old Christmas hymn—focuses on the comfort and joy of Jesus’ birth. He is our comfort and our joy. Now and forever.
Coming next: Come back next time to read about a tornado, Logan’s finance test and much more. Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: Isaiah 51:1-3
Song: Enjoy “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” by The Petersens. I found them this month. What joy!
More: To stay current on recent posts, sign up for my monthly newsletter.
