The end of an era
Today on Choosing Peace you’ll read about my father-in-law’s death and funeral. I feel relieved to have finally written about this strange and revealing chapter. I hope something in our story speaks to you where you are.
Warning time
Circumstances, contacts, and most of all—the Holy Spirit—told me something big was coming.
Drama, part 1
The email my husband Brandon received from his friend George in September 2020 clearly had Delia’s fingerprints all over it. (Delia being my mother-in-law, a dangerous, smooth sociopath/narcissist.) After updating Brandon on how Andrew and Delia were doing and mentioning that their church was closing at the end of the year, George wrote, “[Your sister] Hazel wants you to do thus-and-so”—something he would not know first-hand. Hazel hates George and doesn’t speak to him. Therefore, the “Hazel wants” statement clearly came from Delia. Translation: The Control Freak Extraordinaire made something up or twisted it for maximum entertainment and manipulation value.
Warning: She’s back.
Armor and truth
Later that month, I texted my friend Sam (short for Samantha) and the team we were working with: “I prayed this morning and put on The Armor of God…: ‘I’m putting on the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the sandals of readiness, the helmet of salvation, the shield of faith and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.’ God bless us all. The warfare is great, but our God is greater.”
Drama, part 2
After that, Brandon received a phone message from Uncle Henry, Delia’s accomplice who sent The Manifesto—a long attack letter. Uncle Henry’s phone message was ridiculously formal. “This is Henry Douglas in My Town, Texas.” Hello? We know who you are, buddy. Brandon’s parents were hospitalized with COVID-19 and should be released in a couple days.
I wrote in my journal, “Henry is a control freak like his sister. Note to self: Remember that.”
Reading and remembering
Three days later, I woke up at 1:30 A.M. The command, “Arise and work” (1 Chronicles 22:16b) was on my mind.
Tuesday, October 6
Journal entry
I looked at A Story of Grieving, part 1…. Leading up to the day [my mom died], I woke up very early several days in a row. Is something coming? Then I read all six parts of The Sneak Attack—about Uncle Henry’s attack letter. It’s important, now that the sociopaths/accomplices are contacting us, to remember all their tactics and what it means. Remember.
I wrote this toward the end of my latest post: “Do not forget what you’ve learned. Because the evil remains, the danger remains.”
More truth
The next day, I wrote these verses in my journal.
Do not fret, it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land. For yet a little while, and the wicked will be no more. Yes, though you look for his place, he isn’t there. But the humble shall inherit the land, and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
Psalm 37:8b-11, New Heart English Bible
After writing about many sweet blessings that day, I added: “God is so good to me. Thanks be to God for his love.”
Three calls and the weapon
Next, Delia left Brandon a voice mail that his dad was in the ICU. Uncle Henry called my phone and didn’t leave a message. Then he called Brandon, leaving a message with the same information and requesting a call. I told Brandon that I read my Sneak Attack posts last week to remind myself about who Uncle Henry is and what he did. Brandon said he needs to read those posts again too.
We agreed to use our most-important weapon when dealing with control freaks: Silence.
The end
On October 15, Brandon received calls from George, Delia and Uncle Henry. Some of the messages were inconsistent. Keyword: Ventilator.
Andrew died the next day.
Please note, Peaceful Readers, that my father-in-law died with COVID, not from COVID. He was old and had many long-term health problems, in addition to a deep drawer filled with prescription drugs.
More importantly, our days are numbered by God, our creator.
The friend who became an accomplice
The day Andrew died, we learned many things from George and about George. Brandon and George became good friends right after high school. George’s parents struggled financially and died a long time ago. George went to church with Brandon’s parents, worked at their church and spent holidays with them even after we walked away.
Ignoring the truth
After receiving a strange email invitation from George five years ago, Brandon finally told his oldest friend the painful truth about his parents’ chronic abuse. George never replied. That really bothered me. When your good friend tells you something important and very personal—and you ignore it—that doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Call me picky.
Withholding the truth
While you read this journal entry, ask yourself—Why did George fail to tell Brandon things he needed to know?
Tuesday, October 16—the day Andrew died
Journal entry
Brandon learned many things from George today. His mom ignored COVID restrictions, went shopping a lot, went out to eat and didn’t wear a mask. She dramatically required everyone else in church to wear one, but she didn’t. She got COVID first and gave it to Andrew. Brandon talked about how she kills everyone around her. So true.
George’s engine broke in his car and the church people made donations to get it replaced. The only two people who told George that they contributed to this were Andrew and Delia. Sounds like loan sharking to me. “You owe me, you owe me, you owe me—forever.” George is willing to play their sick games to stay in their financial favor. They call him their “good son.” That disgusts me.
George also told Brandon that [our niece] Jessica had a falling out with Brandon’s parents a while ago. Jessica was letting them take [her son] Mason to church, but Mason was getting beat up there. Andrew and Delia thought nothing of it and wouldn’t protect him. What a surprise (I mean—how predictable)…. Protecting someone else? That would require caring. Jessica said Mason couldn’t go to church with them anymore and they said, “You’re out!” Why didn’t George tell Brandon this important information when it happened? Why would a supposed friend withhold that vital update? Now we know that other relatives are also in conflict with them. We wondered if that would happen. When Andrew and Delia lost their targets, they found new ones. This update eliminated my fear about the funeral. Thanks be to God.
Andrew and Delia disagreed about some tree trimming, so Andrew called their preacher—who does tree trimming on the side—and asked him to come trim a tree while Delia was shopping. She came home earlier than expected. Andrew and Delia got into a physical yelling match in their yard in front of their preacher. Wow. Sociopathville or what?
The Sunday before Thanksgiving in 2017, Brandon’s parents came to our house uninvited. They knocked on the door for hours and dumped “birthday” presents for [our son] Logan on the front porch (two months late). Brandon and I were at the lake sailing and bringing our boat home. Logan was following our standing rule about not letting them in…. According to George, they said we invited them and then wouldn’t let them in. Not surprising. The sociopaths lied to [everyone, including] one of Brandon’s friends so he’d believe that the evil was good and the good was evil. Textbook example.
I’ll ask it again. Why did Brandon’s supposed friend withhold all of this information for years? Why did he never ask Brandon what was going on—from Brandon’s perspective? Why did he never ask Brandon how he was doing? I’ll tell you why.
Brandon’s friend became the sociopaths’ accomplice—and more.
When we left The War Zone in 2016, George took Brandon’s place.
I didn’t understand that until I wrote those words. I had all the pieces of the puzzle, but I hadn’t put it together. What a revelation.
Heavy sigh.
Funeral for a sociopath
The week after Andrew died, we drove to Sociopathville for his funeral. People were in three camps, where we were concerned. They were either (1) warm and friendly (most of Brandon’s cousins and the church people who spoke to us), (2) awkward and neutral (George), or (3) openly hostile (the preacher, Hazel, Jessica, Chloe, Rick—Sadistic Shelly’s husband, Aunt Marilyn, etc.). By “openly hostile,” I mean glaring, walking away, and/or refusing to look at us or speak more than a couple words.
And then there was Delia, the sociopath who has no feelings—other than her sadistic thrill at pulverizing someone. Seemingly cordial. Cold. Chatty. Polished. Putting on a great show. The usual. After a short hello when she walked up to greet us, I avoided her like the plague.
Thankfully, the masks we all wore due to COVID-19 protected us from the full brunt of their glaring faces. God’s timing is perfect.
The preacher
I’ll call the preacher Buford Lie-right. Earlier that week, Brandon emailed Buford some positive information about Andrew for the eulogy. Buford ignored it. The preacher schmoozed with all of the family except us. He didn’t look at us or speak to us. He did a great job punishing The Bad Guys. What a devoted accomplice. Touché.
The eulogy
In the eulogy—I mean The Showboating Exhibition—Buford went on and on and on. He bragged about himself. He kept trying to be funny. He talked about what good friends he was with Andrew. He talked about how George is like a son to Andrew and Delia. He talked about what good friends he is with George. Buford said—three times: “Andrew made mistakes. We all make mistakes.” He also talked about what a devoted Christian, husband and father Andrew was—an exemplary citizen. Right. (See the section called Using the Religious Cover in this post or Date Night for Sociopaths here.)
Buford also told a revealing story about being in Andrew and Delia’s kitchen when Delia was waving a big knife around while arguing with Andrew in front of their preacher and “dear friend.” Yep. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. What a nightmare.
Revelations and relationships
After finding out in late-September that his grandpa was diagnosed with early-stage dementia, Logan wanted to see his cousins, [Shelly’s daughter] Jessica and [Hazel’s daughter] Chloe, and he wanted to meet Jessica’s one-year-old son that he saw on social media.
Less than a month later, Logan saw them all at Andrew’s funeral. But it didn’t go the way he expected.
Replacing the lies with truth—and coming closer
Logan’s cousins and other relatives were hostile to him. Utterly disinterested. Hateful. Logan asked us in the car if that’s how they used to treat us at Christmas. We said, “Yes. It was worse than usual. But yes.”
What an eye-opening encounter. Logan realized that we walked away to protect him. He understood that we did the right thing for him—and for all of us. The thoughts that had swirled in his head were lies. The lie that he was missing out on something good. The lie that we were withholding something good from him. Now he knew the truth. We did the right thing.
After that, Logan came closer to us emotionally. It was a big turning point in his relationship with us. He knew he could trust us.
Only two
Logan mentioned that only two people cried at the funeral, out of 150 to 200 people. Yes, indeed. What an insightful observation. He knew that his grandpa was a sociopath.
The sadistic one and answered prayers
The morning of the funeral, my friend Sam from St. Matt’s—the church where I work—told me she was praying that we’d be a blessing to someone today. We prayed that prayer at breakfast and it changed our thinking in a profound way.
Instead of thinking about how people would treat us,
we thought about how we’d treat them.
So we came away without regrets. Thank you, Sam.
Thursday, October 22—the day of the funeral
Journal entry
Logan made the funniest comment at dinner. “When Granny was young, she looked like Bellatrix Lestrange.” Bellatrix is the most evil, hated female character in the Harry Potter series. She’s creepy, violent and extremely sadistic. ‘Nuff said.
Brandon had commented in the car that he’s never going to see any of those people again. …During much of the drive home, I thought It’s over. It’s over. It’s finally over.
During dinner, I mentioned how God answered our prayer about being a blessing to someone today. I was a blessing to the older lady who dropped her scarf. Logan was a blessing to [Brandon’s cousin] Patrick and [his wife] Karen, and Brandon was a blessing to Jessica’s oldest sister. Thanks be to God!
The end of an era
We encountered three deaths in late-2020. First, Brandon’s dad died. Second, God showed Logan the truth about the extended family at Andrew’s funeral, smashing the devil’s destructive lies to bits. And last but not least, The Sociopaths’ Church died, closing its doors on December 31, 2020. The sign on the building—“Church of Christ”—was removed, don’t you know.
The sociopaths’ church
Strangely enough, Buford Lie-right still lists himself as their minister in his online résumé. I guess he’s too busy trimming trees to keep his résumé up-to-date. His online cover letter begins thusly: “Hello from Sociopathville, TX [location changed to protect the innocent, the exceedingly guilty, and everyone in between]. My name is Buford Lie-right and I am currently the minister for The Sociopaths’ Church in Sociopathville, TX.” He must have considered the location to be supremely-important to have mentioned it twice in two sentences. But wait; there’s more. One of the navigation items on Buford’s extensive résumé is I Belive. Maybe he’s having trouble getting a job as a preacher because he doesn’t know how to spell the word believe. I digress. Let’s return to our tour with The Ghost of Churches Past.
The dead church’s Facebook page is also still out there, claiming to be alive and well at their former address. They never published the truth: “We closed our church and sold our building.” Even though Buford Lie-right isn’t big on truth-telling, I found three big clues verifying what George told Brandon about the church closing down. (1) The Sociopaths’ Church posted their last Facebook entry in May 2020. (2) Their website is gone. And here’s the big one. (3) A new church bought the building in 2020 and has been worshiping there since January 2021. Say it with me, Peaceful Readers, like Gomer Pyle—with some big-time Southern twang: “Surprise, surprise, surprise!”
The flock
This scenario reminds me of a famous saying: “Birds of a feather flock together.” That goes for the sociopaths, their devoted preacher, George, and the rest of the accomplices and casual observers. Bye-bye, birdies.
Hidden and not-so-hidden enemies
It’s time to consider how these encounters tie in with our title: When the Need to Forgive Has Been Hidden.
Enemies can be hidden or out in the open. Whenever we have any type of contact with my mother-in-law Delia, we’re presented with ample opportunities to flex our Forgiving Muscles. That’s a given. She’s the in-your-face type of enemy, even when she’s smiling.
Hidden no longer
Were hidden enemies revealed during this chapter?
Someone who isn’t for us is against us.
Did we need to forgive some people in addition to Delia and The Usual Suspects? Yes sirree.
We needed to forgive (1) George, the friend who became an accomplice; (2) Buford Lie-right, the preacher—or former preacher, as the case may be; and (3) the expanded group of relatives. Some relatives who used to smile and make small-talk with us were now extremely hostile. Openly hateful. Dyed-in-the-wool accomplices.
A revealing trip away from our safe zone
Our need to forgive George, the preacher and additional relatives was hidden after our escape from The War Zone because we didn’t have contact with them. During those years of protection and healing, we grew accustomed to spending time with people who are good to us. What. A. Contrast. When you’ve been away from really bad behavior for years, it slaps you in the face when you encounter it again en masse. It’s undeniable.
Honestly, that slap in the face was a good thing. The hatred aimed at us during Andrew’s funeral was both sobering and affirming. And now we cherish and guard our Safe Zone even more.
Forgiving
Remember these truths from What Forgiving Is and Isn’t, part 3: Forgiving doesn’t mean reconciling and Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or ignoring wrongdoing.
I forgave the sociopaths and all their accomplices so I can walk forward without any unwanted baggage. I won’t carry chains that tie me to people who’ve hurt me—or any of us.
Kneeling at the feet of Jesus, my Savior—I am Choosing Peace.
Coming next: I don’t have the foggiest idea what’s coming next. I leave it all in God’s hands. Thanks for your patience, for reading and for Choosing Peace. “The Lord bless you and keep you….”
Healing through truth and music
Peaceful Readers, I’ve found great healing in my life through the beauty and truth of God’s word and through music. I hope the truths and songs that I share at the end of each post will bless you too.
Truth from The Word: Jeremiah 20:12-13
Song for Healing: “Worthy” by Anchored Music, featuring Andrea Santillano