The healer
Peaceful Readers, I hope you enjoy a very peaceful Christmas—a day or maybe a whole vacation or season spent with people who are good to you. We’ll be watching The Nativity Story again on Christmas Eve. That’s one of our Christmas traditions. I smile just thinking about it.
Self-aware or not
Speaking of not smiling, have you ever found yourself annoyed with someone because this person didn’t have a clue how he or she was being received by others? Self-aware—not.
Later in today’s post, you’ll read about a time when I was guilty as charged in that department.
But first, here’s a funny story along those lines.
French cooking and the viola
Earlier this month, Logan spent an evening on a special assignment: Cooking something and videoing it while giving all the instructions in French. Wow. That was seriously impressive, especially when you consider that he made Quiche Lorraine with homemade crust. One of the other boys in his class made toast.
I felt the need to share this story with Gail, our organist at St. Matt’s. I told her how fun it was to see Logan saying “Voila!” Check out her email reply.
We have a running joke here at work about the word “Voila!”
We used to have a very snooty employee who would send emails implying that she was great and the rest of us just weren’t very smart………………., yet she would end the emails with a misspelled “Viola!”
So at work, when we want to raise our hand and say “Voila!”……..we now raise our hands and say “Vee-oh-la!”
Makes me crack up every time.
Gail
The laughter fix
I guffawed out loud and forwarded her email to Brandon. That was so funny. And I learned something while I was laughing.
Did you know that laughing wakes you up? I was way-sleepy that day. I don’t mean Garden-Variety Sleepy. I mean Walking-Around-The-Building-Trying-To-Wake-Myself-Up Sleepy, Wiggling-In-My-Chair Sleepy, etc. And I couldn’t seem to get with it. Until I started laughing. Is that great or what? So I emailed that discovery to Gail and asked her what her favorite funny videos are on YouTube. Even though she’s a dog person like I am, she voted for Funny Cat Videos. They did not disappoint.
Who knew
Who knew that Gail would have this hilarious story to share with me? Who knew what I’d learn about this valuable benefit of laughing because of her story? The Healer knew. And who said God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
The surprising relationship
There are times in life when the relationship between two things surprises us—kind of like my surprise when laughing woke me up. One of those times in life is when we’re in The Season of Grieving. The anger can surprise us.
Reasons for the anger
There are a number of reasons why we’re angry after someone who was significant in our life dies or leaves for whatever reason. This also applies to someone who should have been significant but wasn’t. Sometimes we’re angry at God for the type or timing of the loss. Sometimes we’re angry at God for the person’s impact on our life—or their very presence in our life. If abuse or neglect was involved in the relationship (or non-relationship), we’re naturally angry at the person who died/left. Also, it’s common to be angry at yourself for things you didn’t do or say that you wish you had and vice versa.
It’s kind of a scatter-gun kind of thing, this anger. It goes up, it goes out and it goes in.
Until it doesn’t.
Doing the work
What can we do about this anger? We can do the work of grieving and the work of forgiving. From The Trauma of Perfection, part 6:
Step 8: Walk forward in healing and peace.
We must replace the old, scratchy, painful blanket (denial) with a soft, warm, fuzzy blanket (healing). Doing the work of grieving and doing the work of forgiving are both essential aspects of being able to close The Trauma Suitcase and place it back on the shelf—empty and finished.
Doing the work of grieving involves doing certain things, like crying and journaling, and taking certain active steps. Time for Grieving, part 6 includes the To-Do List for The Season of Grieving. See the six-part Trauma of Perfection post for details about unpacking a trauma or loss.
Here’s a list to remember.
How to Unpack a Trauma or Loss
1. Look honestly at what happened.
2. Identify the lies/propaganda involved.
3. Acknowledge the impact, including what was stolen.
4. Express your feelings then and now.
5. Replace the lies with truth.
6. Choose to end the negative impact.
7. Close the suitcase (i.e., the trauma/loss).
8. Walk forward in healing and peace.
9. Share your story with someone you trust.
10. Thank God for helping you on this journey.
The steps
Let’s look at some key steps I took this year and an important question I was asked.
February: I wrote my anger letter to my mom two days before she died.
April: I wrestled with God and he changed my mind two days later.
May: I put away the things I received from my mom—books, pictures, etc.
August: While I was kneeling in prayer, the still, small voice asked me, “What are you getting by holding on to your anger?”
September: I wrote The Forgiveness Letter to myself.
October: I wrote my Letter of Gratitude to my mom. Two days later, I forgave her.
November: I did some seeking and finding. I discovered her secret.
December: I asked and answered some important questions so I could finish unpacking my anger.
Four of the eight listings above are about anger. I think this is an interesting and probably a very normal chain of events considering my mom’s neglect. She was The Fog. The Yell-fest described below from this post shows how anger was my immediate response to her death.
The day my mom died, I yelled at her for 25 minutes—non-stop—as I drove to work. I’m talkin’ yelling, not just raising my voice. “You’re not my mother!” “You were a coward!” And more…. I yelled those things again and again and again. When I arrived across town and The Yell-fest was done, my throat felt hoarse. But I felt much better. I needed to do that. The pain of everything she didn’t give me was raw. My heart was raw. My throat was raw.
Always and the frying pan
In October, Brandon and I were arguing about something and he said that I’m always looking for someone to be mad at. Excuse me? Far from it, pal. Check out the Two Little Words section toward the top of this post for some good chuckles about my friend Summer and the expression Excuse me?
Okay. Where was I. Oh, yes. The argument with Brandon. The next day, I told him, “Take back what you said or bring me my frying pan.” He took back what he said. Whew. Using the word always or never during a disagreement ratchets up The Anger Factor exponentially for obvious reasons. Never fear, Peaceful Readers. I’ve never whopped anyone upside the head (or anywhere else) with my frying pan. Call it a figure of speech. It was kind of funny, though. We could laugh about the argument the next day, which is much better than arguing.
Truth be told
Also this fall—within a fairly short time—both Brandon and Logan mentioned to me that I was angry. Honestly, I didn’t see it. But I couldn’t ignore their comments. So I got down on my knees in the nave/sanctuary at St. Matt’s—where I work—and I prayed about it. I asked God to help me. And he did.
I needed to see the truth about myself, figure out what—specifically—I was angry about, deal with it and get rid of it. Basically, I needed to uncover, discover and discard, like counselor and Traumatic Grief expert Liz Taylor talked about during our interview. From Traumatic Grief, part 4:
This is what those actions—uncover, discover and discard—mean to me.
Uncover
♦ Laying down The Heavy Baggage of Denial
♦ Bringing secrets into the light
♦ Admitting what happened
Discover
♦ Remembering the trauma—looking it in the face
♦ Expressing and dealing with the feelings
♦ Acknowledging the impact
Discard
♦ Reframing the experience by seeking and finding the truth about who I am
♦ Saying good-bye
♦ Leaving the trauma behind and walking forward, in healing and peace
What?
The other day, I sat on our couch under a soft, fuzzy, chocolate brown blanket with our big, sweet dog lying beside me, trying to figure out this very thing. What am I angry about? What is it, really? I know it’s about my mom, but what is it?
Impact
Here’s the answer. Understanding why someone did what he or she did doesn’t erase the impact on us. Discovering my mom’s secret—that she was abused—gave me a thorough understanding of why she made the decisions she made and why she developed the coping mechanisms that she used. But having that understanding didn’t change the fact that she chose my sibling Pam and didn’t choose me. It didn’t change the fact that, in a very real way, she was against me. Her choices caused very serious, lifelong fall-out for everyone—all the people in the house. (Ditto for my dad and his choices.)
Her choices
Unpacking my mom’s choices in A Story of Grieving, part 5 took me to some very deep places that I needed to acknowledge and work through. I think this paragraph summarizes these issues.
The evil
My mom actively participated in creating an evil person, adoring and worshiping the evil person, paying the evil person, slaving for the evil person, and ignoring all the evil and chaos that surrounded her. She ignored what Pam did to me and my family. She sided with Pam and blamed The Family Feud on me. She ignored the truth and clung to the lies.
Unnatural
It’s challenging to wrap your head around the fact that you had a parent who was—for all practical purposes—against you. Like I said in part 1 of this post, that is a very unnatural situation. Being a parent helps you to grasp how very unnatural that is. How catastrophically jacked-up that is. Brandon has had to deal with this on a much more serious level. Both of his parents are sociopaths.
Why?
So I’m asking myself these questions. Why did my mom smile, come to our house and pretend that The Showdown never happened between me and Pam? Why did she keep talking about Pam and Pam’s children to me even when I asked her—multiple times—not to? Why did she continue to go through the motions? Why did she keep doing the things she’d always done, without making any attempt to understand the truth? What did she want? What was really going on with her?
Auto-pilot
The more I think about it, the more disturbing and crazy the whole thing was. I think that my mom was so terrified of being known—of having her secret found out—that she just stayed on auto-pilot. “Do the same things that you do every day. Keep on doing those things. Keep doing the chores. Keep smiling and nodding your head. Don’t ask any questions. Keep quiet. Read a book. Stay busy. Pretend that everything is fine.”
After I wrote that last paragraph, I said out loud: “What a mess.” I think that sums it up, Peaceful Readers. What. A. Mess.
Hiding
My mom had to hide to feel safe. She had to hide her feelings. She had to hide behind her chores. She had to hide her secret. She had to keep hiding. And that’s what she did. She never stopped hiding. Until she died.
I’m shaking my head. That’s no way to live. It makes me think about the song “Frail” by Jars of Clay—the song I chose for the post about my mom’s secret. Very deep and thought-provoking—the secret and the song. It’s a song worth hearing and reflecting on again.
Not so nice
So that’s the challenge for me. Here was this “nice” lady who did “nice” things, who people always described as “nice.” But I always felt conflicted about her. Why? Because she was against me. And deep down, I guess I knew that. That doesn’t sound so nice, does it.
In reality, she was wrong. She was very broken and sick. And she failed me. I don’t take that personally nowadays. I know it’s about her and not about me. But still…. The impact was serious. Very serious.
What I wanted
While I was digging into these issues, I needed to state the obvious—the unspoken yearnings. What did I want from her?
I wanted my mom to see me. I wanted her to know me. I wanted her to love me.
When I see her in heaven, she will.
All the walls will be gone. All the fears will be gone.
Mine and hers.
What I really needed
Was she capable of meeting all my needs? No. Would a wonderfully-attentive, loving and wise mom have been able to meet all my needs? No, again. Why not? My greatest need is met in God, not in people. Like I wrote in The Post-Trauma Transformation, part 3:
My deepest need was to receive God’s love for me.
His love is perfect. Needless to say, people aren’t. Perfect, that is.
Same or different
This unpacking of what I’ve been angry about has helped me. A lot.
Next, I needed to determine if this new discovery—my mom being against me instead of for me—meant that she stole something from me that I hadn’t already identified. I re-read this part of The Trauma of Disengagement, part 4 and thought about it.
What she stole
My mom stole some of the same things my dad stole—like my ability to develop wisdom and discernment, my ability to build positive relationships, my ability to trust God, and more….
What was the primary thing that my mom’s emotional neglect—The Trauma of Disengagement—stole from me?
My mom stole my belief in my inherent value.
God’s love has returned that to me.
When a mother is against her own child, that’s a major rejection. What she stole is the same as what I already identified. She stole my belief in my inherent value. And yes—God’s love has returned that to me. Thanks be to God.
If you missed part 2 of this post, check it out. It’s filled with the love and blessings of God, which have nourished me deeply as I’ve walked through The Season of Grieving this year. Deeply.
Laying it down
Exploring these issues—asking and answering the hard questions and more—allowed me to lay down most of my anger at my mom. After I did that, I was able to cry. Finally. A good, long, healing cry. (See this post to learn about the healing nature of tears.) The Song for Healing below was a big part of The Big Cry.
The Healer did his work in me.
Your turn
Peaceful Reader, are you angry at someone who’s no longer in your life? Do you need to do some more unpacking of a trauma or loss? Take the time to ask and answer the deep questions. Many of these questions will begin with the word why.
Much of my healing work has been done in the wee hours of the night. When you wake up at a strange hour, pray to God and ask him if he has something for you to think about, dig for, journal about, reflect on…. You may find, as I have, that this uninterrupted time can be extremely fruitful as you take The Healing Journey.
Coming next: I have a lot of thoughts and notes typed out for the next post, but I’m not sure what will and won’t be in it. Do I really have one part left or is it two? I’m not sure. I’ll be writing about some amazing dreams we’ve had—powerful dreams—terrifying and revealing. The house, the snakes, the parking lot, the rats. Come back after Christmas for more of The Big Why.
Healing through truth and music
Peaceful Readers, I’ve found great healing in my life through the beauty and truth of God’s word and through music. I hope the truths and songs that I share at the end of each post will bless you too.
Truth from The Word: This is a little verse with two big truths. I think about and say the first phrase often. I think you’ll like it.
Song for Healing: We sang this song at church recently and I was moved by it. But then life marched on and I forgot about it. On Sunday, I woke up at 1:30 in the morning. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I got up at 2. I knew I needed to change the song for this post. While I was listening to my original choice—a Christmas song—I saw this song listed to the right for the first time. I forgot that I’d sung it recently. When I listened to it, I started crying and crying and crying. And the walls came down. I listened to it again and again for hours. While I was listening to it and crying at 4:00 in the morning, I added the section above called What I Wanted. This video is beautiful too.
Drink in “I Shall Not Want” by Audrey Assad.