A different language
Perspective
Perspective matters. When Brandon and I got married, he had a beautiful harlequin Great Dane. She was precious. And massive. To us, my dog Marvin is a little dog. He weighs 60 pounds. When you’ve had a dog who weighs 175 pounds, a 60-pounder is small. Sometimes I call my dog Little Bit as a nickname. When most people see Marvin and his powerful jaws, they think Big Dog. I think Little Dog.
Our perspective frames how we see things.
It’s a crucial, person-specific reference point. My perspective and your perspective are frequently not the same.
The languages, the clash and the plan
The subtitle of this post is A Different Language. If you’ve never heard of a “love language” or if the concept is a little fuzzy, see this post. Your love language determines what actions make you feel loved.
Today on Choosing Peace, we’ll explore the realities of two very different perspectives about love. What happens when love languages clash? When your expressions of love—based on your love language—are received poorly? You’ll read about smooth sailing in our marriage and very rough waters. Hopefully, in the end, the rough waters will make more sense.
A good plan for the future can shelter us from storms. As I wrote this post, God showed me a simple Love Language Plan to help Brandon and me in the months and years ahead. Maybe it’ll help you too.
Intro
In part 1, we dug into how God refines us through our struggles. We explored our quiet time and things that are a big deal to yours truly, Frankie Ann. Where did some of the Big Deal Items come from? My dysfunctional upbringing. The subtitle of part 2 was Reversing the Turning Point. I decided to trust Brandon with my heart—finally. He came closer to me and became helpful. I wrote about another Big Deal Item, plus God’s loving hand on our marriage, and Thanksgiving week.
What happened next—after Thanksgiving week?
Worshiping and socializing with church friends
Sunday, November 26
Journal entry
What a joy to be back at church after missing two Sundays. And what a special joy to sit by my Meagan in our life group and church. I love harmonizing and singing with her, and experiencing her peaceful, wise presence. I’ve missed my friend. We all ate lunch at Rosa’s—a big group. It was good to hear about [Meagan’s family’s] trip….
When you get older, it’s easier to stay home instead of getting out and enjoying healthy social activities. That afternoon, Brandon and I were so glad we attended our church’s winter festival. We went on a Hayless Hay Ride and ran into a number of friends and acquaintances. Smiles. Hugs. Joy. The Lord was good to us. A couple from our life group received two extra burgers from the long line at the In-N-Out Burger food truck; I mean the massive 18-wheeler. They gave the extras to us, which saved us a good 30 minutes standing in line. We ate together in the student center and took photos in front of the Christmas tree. Good times.
Praying, playing, sharing
Good things I wrote about in part 2 continued—our togetherness as husband and wife, plus Brandon bringing me food. I also learned about a dramatic miracle when Brandon was young. What a joy to be united in heart, mind and prayer.
Wednesday, November 29 (part 1)
Journal entry
Brandon asked me to recite Psalm 91 again at the end of our quiet time, as a prayer for our day. I love that—both his request and saying it out loud for us. That is wonderful.
Tonight was low-tech, PTL. Brandon warmed up some leftover shepherd’s pie for me for dinner. Very tasty. We played a game of Farkle. So fun. Then we talked a lot. Brandon shared stories about many times when God saved his life, including the time when he was 10 and a tornado jumped, roaring like a freight train, over their house. Trees right behind the house were mangled, but the house and the people in it were protected. All glory to God.
…Brandon and I prayed out loud for Logan during his finance test this evening. Logan felt good about it when he called us afterwards. I told him specific things we prayed out loud for him during his test—for peace, no frustration, for him to take his time, for wisdom and for him to sense the Lord’s presence. And Brandon added a prayer for recall. Logan was amazed. He reworked one problem many times [4 times, I believe] and arrived at the answer. Our prayers were answered! Thank you so much, Lord. […Logan’s] happy spirits blessed us richly.
Experiencing both the beauty and the power of prayer filled us with gratitude. (Logan got his highest test grade in this very difficult class on that particular test.)
Sorrow and joy
We experienced highs and lows, joy and sorrow. Here’s an example.
Wednesday, November 29 (part 2)
Journal entry
I called [my new mom] Kathleen this afternoon to check on her. She’s at her daughter Susan’s house. Her appetite is poor. Food tastes bad. We both cried and told each other how much we love each other. Her back broke in a fall. I prayed out loud for her. Lord, help my precious, precious mom. I love her so.
Thursday, November 30
Journal entry
Kathleen called me today. She wanted to hear my voice. Her voice was garbled some. Oh my. She said she adopted me, and I said absolutely. She didn’t sleep well. I miss her and I love her. I called TCU Florist and ordered blue and yellow flowers to be delivered tomorrow. Light blue flowers remind me of her beautiful eyes.
Friday, December 1
Journal entry
Kathleen called, overjoyed about her gorgeous flowers. She sounded so much better. Laughing. Happy. She went out to lunch today for Italian food. Praise the Lord. …God, thank you for my mom, Kathleen. I love her. Please remove her pain, strengthen her and restore her mind. Amen.
Victories
Our family experienced victories at work and school. Brandon’s boss asked him to write his own job description for a new position within their group. With Brandon’s technology and team being stable, it’s time for him to do something new, which he’s been desiring for a very long time. When Brandon finally took three weeks of vacation in November, his team’s readiness to fly without him became clear. Thanks be to God. Years of work, training, late nights, hiring, frustration and victory led to this amazing opportunity. Lord, thank you for bringing Brandon to this point and for all that you’re doing for us.
The next day, we found out that Logan was accepted into the master’s program in accounting at his university. I told him how proud we are of him, what a good worker he is, and that we’ll celebrate when he gets home for Christmas break. He’d like to go to Medieval Times again. I immediately thought how Brandon would have the opportunity to handle this Special Day right this time. (He blew it in August.) I asked Logan how he felt, and he said, “Relieved.”
Brandon also started walking up six flights of stairs to his floor at work on Tuesdays thru Thursdays. I know in my heart that he’ll experience victory over his weight and health issues, with the Lord’s help.
Simple pleasures
God filled our days with simple pleasures and the things that give us joy.
Saturday, December 2 (part 1)
Journal entry
Brandon cooked us omelets with ham, cheese, onion, mushrooms and tomatoes. Delicious! I really appreciate all that he’s doing for us.
…Brandon put up the Christmas tree yesterday. Woohoo! I did some [tree] fluffing this morning. Joy, joy, joy. One recent morning, I heard a cardinal chirping. I opened our bathroom window, looked up and saw a daddy cardinal in the tree.
God sees me. God knows me. God loves me.
In this post from the Grieving series, I described my favorite things and how God showered me with those simple daily blessings during The Season of Grieving. If you need encouragement today, check out that post.
Smooth sailing
Weather and circumstances kept Brandon from enjoying either of his outdoor hobbies during his November vacation. I told him that God needed to teach him that vacationing in his heart, mind and body can be done without hobbies or special events. Rest and simple days at home can be the most rejuvenating.
In fact, we hadn’t gone sailing since spring, given the summer heat wave and a serious drought. Even though the lake levels were still very low, our shallow hull allowed us to finally go sailing again. Hallelujah.
Saturday, December 2 (part 2)
Journal entry
This afternoon we went out to the marina. We ate Panda Express in the cockpit and then Brandon did a small repair on the fuel line. We went out for a lovely afternoon, sunset [and] nighttime sail. …The wind was peaceful. Good times. Brandon got me an ice cream cup at RaceTrac when we stopped for gas [on the way home].
Rough waters:
Clash of the love languages
A couple days after we went sailing, we had a big fight. Really? What happened? Brandon’s behavior made absolutely no sense to me—until he finally acknowledged the deep truth about love languages.
The long day
I’d had a particularly stressful and exhausting day: Jury duty downtown, working, making a casserole for dinner, quality time with Brandon, etc. He knew I was worn out, but he kept demanding physical things from me. I became more and more irritated and started saying no. Then Brandon went off on me for hours. I finally said, “I’m done [with the arguing].” We were getting nowhere. And, frankly, I needed to sleep. I journaled, “He is sucking the life out of me.”
The epiphany
What happened the next morning? Brandon had an epiphany.
Tuesday, December 5
Journal entry
I woke up early. Brandon came into the great room. I said—no talking. He asked if he could apologize. I said yes. [He apologized and I forgave him.] …We talked for an hour. I cried and said I can’t live this way. Brandon realized that he was loving me how he wants to be loved (physical touch), not how I need to be loved (words of affirmation). I said—when I’m tired, low, depleted, he demands a lot from me; I say no, and then he fights with me for hours. When I’m low, he kicks me (emotionally). So I asked him repeatedly, “Why in the world would I come to you when I need something?”
Love language denial
In other words, whenever I had a hard day, Brandon insisted on repeated physical contact because, in Brandon’s World, that’s what makes him feel loved. He just knew that the same thing would make me feel loved; and—by golly—he insisted that I accept what he was so generously and thoughtfully offering. Why would I refuse the most glorious thing on the planet—the physical touch and non-stop “requests” of my devoted husband? Especially on a hard, exhausting day when I obviously needed to feel loved? He concluded, time and time again, that I was repressed, unloving and living in The Land of Denial, while he—Brandon, The Magnificent—was being the most amazing husband ever.
Bottom line: Brandon chewed me out for hours for the umpteenth time for refusing to accept his obvious expressions of his undying love for me. Lord, help me. Does anyone enjoy being on the receiving end of a long tirade? Ummmm, no. For those of us whose love language is Words of Affirmation, it’s actually the worst thing possible. Attack. Rejection. Anger. For more on verbal abuse, read this post.
Stepping into a new world
The morning after our fight, he finally stepped outside Brandon’s World and took a step into Frankie Ann’s World. In my world, Physical Touch does not make me feel loved. I’m nourished by Words of Affirmation. That’s my love language. I’ve told Brandon that truth again and again, and he finally heard me—after 25 years of marriage.
Right and wrong, the poll and the eye-rolling
Brandon has told me repeatedly that there’s something wrong with me because Physical Touch isn’t the be-all, end-all of my existence—and because I recharge my mental and emotional batteries in solitude.
Thankfully, someone in our life group took a revealing poll recently. Let’s call him Carl. About a month ago, Carl asked those of us who recharge ourselves in solitude to raise our hands. I shot my hand up in the air, along with about half of the group. Strangely enough, Carl asked me if I struggle with depression. I looked at him like he was an idiot and said no. Another guy in the group rolled his eyes. My eye-rolling Comrade of Solitude had also raised his hand. Yes, some of the extroverts think we introverts must be depressed because we actually like being alone for part of each day. Good grief, peeps. I’ve told Brandon repeatedly that roughly half of the people out there are introverts like me who recharge by themselves. We aren’t defective wack-a-doos who have attachment disorders. We’re simply different.
I’m shaking my head and rolling my eyes—a two-for-one, yet again.
The MO of fear
When I obviously need love the most, Brandon tries to love me using his own love language. I get frustrated and say no, and he gets fearful because I appear to not want to be loved by him. That’s the way he receives my refusal. He receives it as wholesale rejection. The ensuing hours of fear-inspired hostility are very destructive. I call his downward spiral The Vortex of Verbal Violence. Trying to love me using his love language, when coupled with his fear and long-winded attacks, is very unloving.
In retrospect, I understand why Brandon has been confused
by my less-than-grateful response to his love language.
Brandon explained all this to me recently. Now it makes more sense, especially when coupled with his violent sociopathic upbringing.
Not okay
While I understand Brandon’s confusion and frustration, I do not condone his verbal abuse. That is absolutely not okay. Ever. Yes, I’ve confronted him about it. Yes, I’ve told him to stop. Yes, I’ve told him repeatedly how destructive his behavior is. Yes, I’ve rolled over and put in my ear plugs or gotten in my car and driven away to protect myself. And yes, we separated because of it.
The emotional mashup and the change
For most of our marriage, I spent several days per month stumbling around emotionally in a mashup of shock, despair, fear and/or anger. While Brandon’s tirades are no longer a monthly reality, they still throw me for a loop every time. It’s been very hard, and—frankly—exceedingly discouraging at times. When will my husband stop verbally attacking me? I have no idea. Only God can change Brandon and heal him. I will continue to speak the truth and pray faithfully. Also, when he begins verbally attacking me, I’ll continue telling him to stop, etc. Heavy sigh.
Peaceful Readers, it’s time for us to take an important detour—one that begs our attention.
The big picture
The question
Some of you are rightly asking this question. Frankie Ann, why have you stayed? That’s a good question.
The covenant
First of all, because of our covenant. We’re husband and wife. We’re a family. We made a marriage covenant and took vows before God. “For better, for worse. In sickness and in health. Til death do us part.” And the preacher said, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” Leaving is not the answer. Persevering is. (See the exceptions below.)
Healing and transforming
Second of all, there’s more to my life than my hardships. God has done remarkable healing in my life and in our marriage, especially in the last nine years. I know in my heart that Jesus, my Savior will continue the good work he’s begun in me—and in our marriage.
God sees the big picture of my life. I must seek to see that too.
Learning
Thirdly, as Logan’s mother, I’m responsible for thinking rightly about his short-term and long-term well-being. He’s learned that spouses make mistakes, learn, heal and grow. In our family, we apologize and we forgive each other. Logan’s also learned, through our marriage and his own life, the value and importance of seeking God’s guidance and persevering through trials.
Remembering and waiting
Fourth, it’s easy to lose perspective when we’re hurting. Remember the first half of this post and all the great things going on in our lives? I sure do. One piece of advice I’ve given Logan is to never make an important decision—a decision that can wait—when you’re upset. Watching, waiting and praying have served us well.
From my favorite Psalm:
Wait for the LORD. Be strong, and let your heart take courage.
Yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14, New Heart English Bible
The exceptions
Needless to say, there are exceptions to keeping the vow, “Til death do us part.” See the Grieving Divorce posts and the section called Fear At Home or Work in this post. Also, you may find this Got Questions article helpful: “Are there any valid reasons for divorce beyond what the Bible specifically identifies?”
Getting out while staying in
Let’s do an important rewind and repeat from Questions and Answers, part 1.
Stuck
In my case, I couldn’t get out of the box of chronic verbal abuse in my marriage. I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t even see a way out, other than praying for God to somehow release me. But God did not give me permission to leave my marriage. (He did give me permission to leave my first marriage. See this post and the whole story. It’s pretty amazing.)
At times, I felt despair. Sometimes, I prayed for drastic change. While deep peace in our marriage seemed impossible, I knew I had to stay—not only for Logan’s sake.
Bottom line: I knew God was bigger than our mess
and that he desired our healing—individually and together.
What I wanted
And, in reality, I wanted the same things. Healing. Peace. Joy. Laughter. Gratitude. (Love was already there. It was just extremely difficult.)
Read that entire post to find out how Brandon improved during and after our separation—my 12 days at Camp Charlene. He was truly sorry for what he’d done to me, and I forgave him.
Persevering
How have I persevered these 25 years? God has loved me and sustained me; he’s given me a Soul Sister for the last 12 years, my precious Charlene; he gave me our son Logan; dear friends; and blessings beyond number.
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13, World English Bible
Our house number is 413. I live in Philippians 4:13. I really do. Read the Forged By Fire section in this post about how our suffering produces perseverance, proven character and hope, inspired by this wonderful passage from Romans.
Let’s circle back around to the importance of love languages in marriage.
My guilt
Have I been guilty of speaking my love language to Brandon and expecting an enthusiastic response? Most definitely. We’ve all done it, haven’t we? When Brandon turned 40, I wrote 40 Things I Love About You for his birthday. He thought it was nice, but it didn’t rock his world. In reality, I was speaking my love language, not his. I thought he was being ungrateful, but I shrugged it off.
We automatically express love the way we receive it best. Unless you and your spouse speak the same love language, you’ve probably had issues in this area. Brandon and I have each made mistakes when it comes to loving each other well. Not speaking each other’s love language goes high on the list.
Learning to speak
Learning to speak a foreign language takes time and effort—learning words and expressions, the pronunciation, the culture, conjugating verbs, and lots of practice. Learning to speak your spouse’s love language can also be tricky. It takes concerted, thoughtful, “I’m stepping outside my comfort zone” effort. My husband has to step inside my world and I have to step inside his. That’s not easy at first. But with lots of practice, I know we’ll both get good at it.
Fighting is not fun. But on a positive note, after that recent fight, Brandon finally acknowledged the truth.
We have different love languages.
And love languages matter deeply. My love language determines what actions make me feel loved. There’s no right and wrong of love languages (or of introverts and extroverts).
The love language plan
The next time when I have a hard day and Brandon wants to bless me, will he speak my love language, not his? We’ll see. If he starts his usual Physical Touch barrage, I’ll remind him: “My love language is Words of Affirmation, not Physical Touch. I’ll tell you what would help me today. Please listen to me….” That’s my new Love Language Plan. If you’ve had difficulties in this area, I hope you’ll try it too.
Love language plan
“My love language is ____________, not ____________. I’ll tell you what would help me today. Please listen to me….”
A prayer about love languages
Lord, I need your help in this area—love languages. I need healing, peace and hope. I need strength and wisdom. Show me what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. Show me the boundaries I need to put in place. Give Brandon and me great victory in loving each other well and being good examples for Logan, his future wife and our descendants. Amen.
The value of journaling
This post demonstrates the vital importance of journaling. How so? We tend to focus on our hardships. It’s very easy for us to obsess on our pain and disappointments. Journaling helps us remember the good times, the heartwarming times, the amazing times, the sweet surprises, the daily blessings, the kind words, the miracles and more.
Journaling reminds us how God has been with us through it all.
Peaceful Readers, Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Coming next: Come back next time as we wrap up The Post-Turnaround Transformation. Thanks for reading and for Choosing Peace.
Truth from The Word: Luke 2:1-18
Song: This Christmas song, from a poem written during the Civil War by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, depicts the truth of God’s peace and goodwill to us, even in the midst of great loss and pain. The description below the video will grab you as you realize the poem’s context. While you watch the video, read the words and drink in this deep, beautiful song.
May God bless you to the depths of your soul as you experience “I Heard the Bells,” performed lovingly by The Petersens. (You may want to ignore the silliness at the end or it may crack you up.)
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